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Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.— Abraham Gutman (@abgutman) January 23, 2022
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”— Kaleena - Mom, Wife, Life (@bekindofwitty) January 25, 2022
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) January 22, 2022
My 11 y/o daughter told me woodworking was the best strategy to make money so I played along and asked why. She said because it “would work” and I’m not sure what she’s up to but there’s only room for one dad in this house.— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 25, 2022
I witnessed a father and son bonding moment, but it was just my husband teaching my son the wrong way to load the dishwasher.— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) January 26, 2022
if you like starting your day with a 1000 question pop quiz then parenting might be for you— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 24, 2022
I'm sorry I'm late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) January 25, 2022
The only way to show that you love your kid in my town is by having giant letter signs put out in your yard wishing them happy birthday.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 27, 2022
Being pregnant in your early 30s in NYC is surreal. My friends all think I’m a child bride and my doctor thinks I’m “almost a geriatric pregnancy”.— Sarah Hartshorne (@sarahhartshorne) January 24, 2022
[Reading to 8yo from joke book]— SpacedMom (@copymama) January 24, 2022
Me: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
8: Because she’s an idiot?
Me: …I’ll allow it.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 25, 2022
Every parent thinks they are fundamentally a good parent doing their best but we gave our 2-year-old son a haircut this morning and couldn't figure out who it reminded us of and the answer is Princess Diana.— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 24, 2022
If 6yo boys had twitter, their feed would be filled exclusively with retweets of farts.— Bre (@fullofmonsense) January 26, 2022
sugar and spice and everything nice oh and bandaids and bullshit that’s what my five year old girl is made of— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 24, 2022
My toddler is yelling at me, my teen rolled her eyes at me, my 9-year-old asked me to find her a very specific pair of socks, and all I want is to go on break. Is this retail? Am I working retail?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 26, 2022
4: I'm hungry.— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) January 22, 2022
Me: Want some eggs?
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED...FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
me: what do you want to be when you grow up?— MumInBits (@MumInBits) January 26, 2022
9: a scientist!
girl twin: a vet!
boy twin: the person who picks donuts from the donut tree!
New math: There are 3 kids, 1 kid was exposed to Covid on Monday, 2 kids are vaccinated, 1 vaccinated kid got symptoms on Wednesday, 1 got symptoms on Thursday, and 1 doesn’t have symptoms yet. 2 kids have zoom school.— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 26, 2022
How many bottles of scotch will the parents need to survive?
Y’all are all “terrible twos, threenagers hee hee hee” and then you don’t say shit til you talk about “pre teens” like we get 6-7 years of respite. Meanwhile my 7 year old is slamming doors like a Mexican wrestler so y’all need to quit with the lies— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) January 26, 2022
It’s my dolls 2nd birthday and I need to buy her a present. She likes candy.— Marissa 💛💚 (@michimama75) January 26, 2022
-5, trying to scam me into buying her candy
I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love walking right past the trash bag next to the door as they leave the house.— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 25, 2022