Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 23, 2022
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
— @love.you.memeit (@LMemeit) May 26, 2022
It dawned on me today that when my son wants to talk about Pokémon, he doesn't *really* want to talk about Pokémon. What he wants is to share his excitement and knowledge. What he wants is to bond with his dad. What he wants is quality time together. Still, it's a hard no.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) May 25, 2022
Why are they called butterflies if they aren't flies covered in butter?
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 27, 2022
-My 6-year-old, starting off his summer vacation with the tough questions
Nothing like seeing your teenager improperly dressed for the weather so you shout out, "It's going to rain hard today" expecting they'd be appreciative of your loving concern and immediately run back inside to grab a jacket... only to witness them give you a perplexed thumbs up.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) May 26, 2022
Already 74 questions from my 5yo and we're only at the opening credits.
— Molly (@HappyHijabbi) May 23, 2022
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) May 25, 2022
Wrote a short piece of fiction today
— meghan (@deloisivete) May 23, 2022
title: child’s favorite foods
medium: preschool registration forms
7: Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least 2 more for my dance team.
— AparnaRC (@Wordesse) May 24, 2022
I hope everyone had a great weekend, except the random lady who assumed my 4yr old is my grandchild, I hope her weekend sucked
— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@xennial_mom) May 23, 2022
my kids are at that sweet age where they wake up early but they don’t bother me…sure they are screaming and being loud and probably destroying the house but at least i can lie in bed listening to it all
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2022
New parents get to experience the utter joy a kid has going through a car wash for the first time. Experienced parents get the same but they also know to put the window lock on.
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) May 24, 2022
Upset because my wife didn’t remind me that 7YOs science project is due, which I had promised her I’ll definitely take care of
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) May 27, 2022
Ever gone to the bathroom and thought, you know what this experience is missing?
— Marissa 💚💛 (@michimama75) May 24, 2022
A child holding my hands and singing Row Your Boat.
Parenthood makes it possible.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) May 23, 2022
Wear mascara once a month so your kid can freak out over your “creepy spider eyes” and refuse to look at you
— Deena Lang (@itsdeenalang) May 27, 2022
Have kids so you always have someone to tell you that your nose hairs need trimming while standing in checkout lines.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 26, 2022
My son just informed me that nipples are red because they are for emergencies only and I’m really starting to think Catholic school is paying off
— Mom Jeans (@momjeansplease) May 24, 2022
My son told me that it doesn't matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it's almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) May 26, 2022
I overheard my 5yo twins discussing when they’d marry each other and they decided either 6 or twenteen and I’m hoping it’s twenteen otherwise I have a lot to organise in the next 5 months
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) May 23, 2022
Child: hey mom is that spicy?
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) May 24, 2022
Me, looking at my chocolate: yup, really spicy.
Child: aww that’s too bad
Me:….yeah, too bad
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