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McDonald’s forgot the chicken nuggets in my daughter’s happy meal and she said “well I guess this is a sad meal now”— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) June 7, 2022
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.— LL Cool Tweet (@LLcoooltweet) June 7, 2022
My 7yo is pretty condescending for somebody who still needs to be reminded to go to the bathroom.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 10, 2022
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) June 6, 2022
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?— Jessie (@mommajessiec) June 4, 2022
My daughter keeps singin “started from the bottom, now we here” & i told her she needed to stop bc she goes to private school😭. We gon nip any concepts of getting anything out of the mud before they even start. Like, u come from a stable well supported environment. Knock it off— Flick (@Frediculous) June 6, 2022
when i come back a little drunk and talk to the babysitter i feel like i'm on an hbo max show— Naomi Fry (@frynaomifry) June 4, 2022
My 5-year-old, "how bout we go to Target. You get yourself a drink or whatever you want and buy me a toy." She knows how to work the system.— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) June 9, 2022
You haven't gone full dad until start reading a historical marker plaque out loud to your uninterested kids.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 7, 2022
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) June 7, 2022
scheduling a tattoo in your thirties is just realizing, again and again, how unchill you have become. "swing by the shop sometime and we'll talk!!" i'm sorry sir i no longer swing by anywhere. i have a minivan and two available afternoons this month. can u send a calendar invite— Alix E. Harrow (@AlixEHarrow) June 5, 2022
parenting classes should focus less on diapers and more on what to do when you’re sad but still have to pretend to be a tugboat— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) June 9, 2022
My 6-year-old said when she grows up she wants to be a "chainsaw guy."— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 9, 2022
Not sure if she means a professional tree trimmer like the ones working across the street or a serial killer in a hockey mask, but girls can do it all.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) June 5, 2022
Parenting is hugging your child good morning and asking them how they slept only for them to respond with “your breath stinks.”— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) June 8, 2022
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn't know we had— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) June 9, 2022
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) June 6, 2022
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
“UGH. There were like 8 TV writers.” -— Daisy Gardner (@daisykpgardner) June 8, 2022
-my daughter absolutely grossed out by the choices at today’s Career Day.
someday im going to blow my kids minds by telling them i would just cruise around in my car for fun, ruining the earth and wasting gas for no reason but to blast some jams and feel alive— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 7, 2022
At school pick up Perfect Mum asked what I was giving the kids for dinner and I was about to make up something fancy when 5 said “probably sink spaghetti with floor cheese again” and skipped off to play with Freya— MumInBits (@MumInBits) June 8, 2022
Changing my kids' names to what my autocorrect thinks they should be.— Jennay Gump (@jovialjennay) June 8, 2022
I was peeing in public and my 4-year-old, while trying to open the stall door, calmly said, “I’m just gonna let them see your big butt.”— Kiss my Fat Ash🍑 (@Tobi_Is_Fab) June 8, 2022
97% of parenting is just saying "oh wow" to your kid when they do something totally not wow.— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) June 8, 2022
You can't break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.— A Dad Influence 🇺🇸🇫🇷🇺🇦 (@gbergan) June 6, 2022