Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) July 24, 2022
After kids: Oh.
I asked my 3 yr old to stop running through the house. Of course she didn’t listen & when she fell, I was like “exactly.” (that was a week ago) This morning, I tripped over my charger and she yelled “EXACTLY!!” 😭😭😭
— Willmarie♡︎ (@willmarie_s) July 26, 2022
Told the kids to say “Love you” to their father on FaceTime. They waved to him and said, “All the best.”
— Merve Emre (@mervatim) July 28, 2022
Dear new neighbor across the street, I am sorry that your first impression of my family was of my 2yo and 3yo streaking across the front yard.
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) July 28, 2022
Parenting is missing your kids when you’re on a solo vacation, and missing your sanity while with them
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) July 25, 2022
I used a period at the end of my sentence in a text and my 17yo asked me if I was mad.
— My Life Is The Pitts Family (@LifePitts) July 26, 2022
Got my son a drone and he flew into the neighbor’s pool and called it a “drown”. Like, I’m mad... but I’m also not.
— The Dad (@thedad) July 26, 2022
Some dads go to therapy, other dads resolve their issues the old fashioned way…by driving a speed boat their kids are tubing from with the sole goal of launching them into space
— DonutHawk (@StruggleDisplay) July 26, 2022
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) July 26, 2022
Me: Omg what a beautiful morning it’s so peaceful
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) July 28, 2022
My 7 year old, bursting through my bedroom door: MOMMY IVE BEEN THINKING I’M GOING TO HELL ARENT I ?!
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) July 24, 2022
Good thing my kids leave every light on in the house or I might get lost.
— Emily ™ (@emily_tweets) July 28, 2022
Teaching this baby to growl at people she doesn't like
— Trey (@treydayway) July 26, 2022
My son finally found his shoes in the last place he thought to look which just so happens to be the first place I told him to look.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 25, 2022
No one ever cares that dad may be afraid of that weird bug found in the house too.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 28, 2022
When I discovered the new shoes I ordered were a little too big, I found myself thinking "I'll just grow into them" before remembering I'm 38.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) July 23, 2022
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
— Jennay Gump 🦐 🍫 👟 (@jovialjennay) July 25, 2022
i have a migraine today and, as if on cue, my kids discovered their old laser tag game
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) July 23, 2022
I was a terrible mother today and intentionally ruined my teens street cred. Well what I really did was walk next to him in the grocery store but apparently it’s the same thing.
— Maryfairyboberry🧚🏻♀️ (@maryfairybobrry) July 28, 2022
Nobody told me parenting would involve hiding 9 volt batteries from my kids so they can't lick them
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) July 28, 2022
Each new day holds the promise to be a new milestone in a child’s life, full of hope, development and growth.
— Richard Dean (@dad_on_my_feet) July 25, 2022
But first thing today my 6yo marched outside in his underwear and peed on the patio so that ain’t happening here.
I was trying to teach my toddler to do the moon walk and now he just walks backwards everywhere.
— Dadof2Boys (@Dadof2crazyboys) July 28, 2022
Once you realize kid spelled backward is dik, it makes sense why children can be such jerks.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) July 27, 2022
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane...
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) July 25, 2022
I hate it when I make breakfast and then my family also wants lunch and dinner on that same day
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) July 26, 2022
My kid just started a story with "a few Chipotles ago" so I'll be using that instead of "once upon a time"
— meghan (@deloisivete) July 29, 2022
Do you have info to share with HuffPost reporters? Here’s how.
