Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
me watching most kid’s shows: ok honey no more tv for the day
— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) October 5, 2022
me watching Bluey: excellent joke structure, incredible dialogue, superior character development, no wait let’s watch another one
Having kids means saying things like, "why is there a cookie in the hamper?" and "why are you licking your legs?"
— Karen (@AntsyButterfly) October 3, 2022
6 and 8 told me my sweater made me look like a teacher and I can’t tell if it was an insult or not.
— Marissa 💚🎃💛 (@michimama75) October 1, 2022
My parents just sent my kid a book that makes farting noises, as if I won't be the one picking out their nursing home
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 5, 2022
My 3-year-old picking up a tiny Spider-Man figurine in the kid’s room of this Airbnb, his brow furrowed, he turns it over in his hand a few times, examining it. “What is it?” he whispers to himself. He stares at it for a long time then whispers, his voice shakey: “I…love him.”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) October 1, 2022
me: I really need to be more present with my kids
— mom🦇mom🎃mom👻mom💀mom (@notmythirdrodeo) October 2, 2022
me, 2 hours later: that’s enough
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 6, 2022
my son's smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he's right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, "in my pants pocket" and his dad yelled "the pants in the washer?!"
— maura quint (@behindyourback) October 1, 2022
I used to be very laid-back & now seeing different colors of Play-Doh mixed together triggers me.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) October 5, 2022
My toddler just walked by saying ‘cinnamon bitch’ over and over, and I felt attacked until I realized he meant ‘son of a bitch.’ Crisis averted.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 4, 2022
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
— 🎃🤷♂️🌜Dad Moon Rising🌛🤷♂️🎃 (@raoulvilla) October 4, 2022
My daughter described my bra as a grown up Pop It and I may never stop laughing
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 4, 2022
*3yo describing his girlfriends*
— 3 Wild Rainbows (@wildrainbow2) October 1, 2022
3yo:...and then there's Alaina, she's the one with the small pony hair.
Me: You mean pony tail?
3yo: No.
I asked 5 how school was and he said “it’s literally none of your business“ so I said “I was literally cut open to give you life” then he told me school was awesome and gave me some of his cookie
— MumInBits (@MumInBits) October 6, 2022
There’s no bigger reality gap for parents than the one between how you picture going out to eat with your family versus how it actually goes.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) October 1, 2022
Parenting little kids is mostly screaming "What the fuck!" in your head, but really saying things like "No thank you, I do not want to hold your booger."
— KJ (@IDontSpeakWhine) October 7, 2022
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) October 7, 2022
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) October 2, 2022
Got down to the bottom of the laundry pile and my kid is upset that we don’t have matches for all the socks, I just held her close and told her it’s okay to cry
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) October 2, 2022
My 5yo told me he couldn’t stand still in the toy store because he’s too curious and has to see all the toys
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) October 1, 2022
It’s wonderful to see your kids develop new skills, he told himself as the 3yo discovered she can yell louder comfortably if she covers her ears
— MikeUnderscoreDadJokes (@correspundit) October 6, 2022
5: mommy how old are u
— Dad Set Against the Dead 🧟♂️ (@DadSetAgainst) October 1, 2022
Mommy: 37
5: is 37 close to dying?
How many beers does it take to recover from a 4yo’s birthday party at the jump park? Is it 13? I feel like it’s 13.
— Spooky Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) October 1, 2022
3 Things You Should Never Have to Beg For:
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) October 3, 2022
1. Love
2. Friendship
3. The right to excuse yourself so that you can poop at your own house
We bought our toddler a baby doll to play with and everything was going great til I pretended the baby was crying then he shouted "NOOO!" and threw it under the couch. So I guess a sibling is off the cards for now.
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) October 3, 2022
My 4yo woke me up early because he needed me to get something for him. I assumed toy, but no, popsicle
— meghan (@deloisivete) October 6, 2022
My daughter got mad at me because she was ready to go and I wasn’t. Oh, how the tables have turned.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) October 6, 2022
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