Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter every week to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My 17 year old just dumped his girlfriend and now he’s attempting to get his hoodie back . He’s in for one Hell of life lessons
— toni stank (@Davszj) January 10, 2023
LA preschool is awesome because you pay the price of two houses in Ohio for them to go from like 10am-2pm and then they are out sick every other week because some kid named McGyver who can’t eat gluten or dairy came to school covered in snot.
— Luke Barnett (@LukeBarnett) January 9, 2023
Every conversation with a child getting ready for school in the winter ends with a parent yelling, "FINE, THEN FREEZE."
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) January 12, 2023
Thoughts and prayers. My child who jokes nonstop about the planet Uranus has recently learned about the country of Djibouti.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 7, 2023
My 3-year-old is running out of shit for me to do to delay his bedtime and it’s frankly getting increasingly Dadaist? Last night as I was closing the door he yelled “Wait! I need a…red plate for under my pillow!”
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) January 9, 2023
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) January 11, 2023
Does anyone call that gunk you can sometimes get in your eyes “sleep”? My daughter just heard me refer to it as such and mocked me uncontrollably…anyone!??
— Jessie (@Jessiemackay) January 8, 2023
my daughters stuffed animal was drug tested in the airport security line, so then i had to explain what drugs were to my six year old, and now she thinks they sound cool
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) January 9, 2023
thanks tsa
Little kids watch TV like they're in a parkour competition. Just sit down.
— Marcy G (@BunAndLeggings) January 10, 2023
Dating romance: share a candlelight dinner
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) January 8, 2023
Married romance: devour a slice of cake together over the sink so you don’t have to share with your kids
Based on how much effort my kids put into finding anything before declaring it lost, a nursing home may be the safest place for me in my old age.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) January 10, 2023
My kids hacked my LinkedIn and changed my title to Sr Vice President of Poopoo Peepee Fart Enterprises like anyone would believe I’d rise up to Sr Vice President that fast
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) January 12, 2023
11yo: who is Satan’s wife?
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) January 10, 2023
Me: I don’t think Satan has a wife?
11yo: then who is the antichrist’s mother?
Me: I know some traditions have the antichrist as Satan’s son, but I don’t think he’s the type that believe you have to be married to have kids
On my 40th birthday, my 4 year old climbed into my bed and whispered: “I’ll always love you, even when you die”, shit got real fast
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) January 13, 2023
I think my 5yo is in the process of migrating all the books from the school library to our house
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) January 12, 2023
Tossed a stuffed orca to my kid and shouted "you've got whale" if you were wondering who wears the dad joke pants around here
— meghan (@deloisivete) January 8, 2023
Why do we stop celebrating developmental milestones as we age? Sure, babies walking and talking is great and all. But I had to work a lot harder for my first colonoscopy and I should be celebrated.
— Lil Bit 🌈 (@LizerReal) January 9, 2023
What are you staring at? Those are my toddler's emotional support kitchen utensils
— An Apple Hat (@AnAppleHat) January 9, 2023
My daughter was lecturing the cat about eating too much food and I’m nervous that I’m next
— Katie D (@KatieDeal99) January 8, 2023
Someone once told me their whole family sits down to breakfast together and frankly that sounds horrifying
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) January 13, 2023
