Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. Every week, we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HuffPostParents for more!
My 3-year-old's favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef's hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, "We don't have that."
— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) March 6, 2023
I’m a mom of 3 and the truth is I DO have a favorite child. It’s my 3YO nephew who called me a “beautiful flower” then ate the breakfast I made with no complaints.
— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) March 9, 2023
Great for you if you have one of those cute toddlers like on Instagram who sobs with joy when they meet their younger sibling, mine just tried to suffocate the baby with her own breastfeeding pillow as she slept.
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) March 9, 2023
Welcome to motherhood.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 7, 2023
You now have a rock collection.
It’s in your purse.
Legit call from the school:
— who cares (@DianaG2772) March 8, 2023
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) March 4, 2023
What’s a time you felt like you were in a horror movie?
— Allison Sanchez (@_A_Sanch) March 9, 2023
For me: Right after I had baby #2 I awoke to my 3yr old standing by the bed. And he whispered, “That baby isn’t your baby. It’s a bad baby, your baby is in a van on the way to the airport. That’s a very bad baby” And left.
My 6yo told me he's the main character of our family. I guess self-confidence isn't a thing he struggles with.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) March 8, 2023
8:45 pm, Thursday, it's dark and quiet in the cul-de-sac
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) March 10, 2023
Me: I can't wait to crawl in bed early
My first grader: Mom, I need to dress like Milton Hershey tomorrow and hand out limited edition Hershey Kisses with personalized messages
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
— devon sawa (@DevonESawa) March 10, 2023
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
— Jacana Mommy (@jacanamommy) March 7, 2023
Family: Puts on last night's movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
My kid doesn't eat pasta with a little parmesan. He eats parmesan with a little pasta.
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) March 5, 2023
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) March 8, 2023
My child doesn't want to walk, be in a stroller, or be carried while out in public today.
— Mom With No Plan (@MomWithNoPlan) March 8, 2023
Please refer me to the chapter in the parenting books that covers this.
Being a working parent is crazy sometimes.
— MumOfTwo (@MumOfTw0) March 7, 2023
One minute, I’m talking to the CEO of a multinational conglomerate about how to navigate a crisis, and the next, I’m explaining to daycare why my 2yo needs to be able to bring his polar bear to the potty.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) March 10, 2023
*in the car*
— meghan (@deloisivete) March 10, 2023
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) March 10, 2023
my husband and i are teaching the kids basic chores like putting their plates in the dishwasher and doing laundry…i feel a brand new life unfolding right before my eyes
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) March 8, 2023
Coaching young athletes means sometimes having your inspirational mid-game speech interrupted by your 4 y/o daughter asking for a hug, that then spontaneously turns into a group hug and sort of undermines your inspirational speech.
— NicholasG (@Dad_At_Law) March 5, 2023
My 4yo told me they had butt cakes after lunch today and I was like “what?!” And he was like yea it was buttcakes… big ol cupcakes with icing. Oh bundt cakes. You had bundt cakes, buddy.
— Dad Named Matt 🇺🇸 (@mahnamematt) March 3, 2023
Your guide: and if you look up there, you’ll see a gargoyle
— Anne Thériault (@anne_theriault) March 6, 2023
12yo, quietly, to me: that’s not a gargoyle, that’s a grotesque. A gargoyle has a water spout coming out of mouth. What most people call gargoyles are actually grotesques
I dread the day my child joins Twitter
