Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Kids are plotting to set my alarm for 6am as a joke? They already wake me at 5. Either they have no concept of time or they're mocking me.
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) July 7, 2015
Me: Get dressed guys 5yos: *No reaction Me: Get dressed, we're getting donuts 5yos: *Already dressed and in the car
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) July 7, 2015
There are only 3 days, 6 hours and 24 minutes until all my kids go to camp for the week.... But who's counting.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) July 9, 2015
Hell hath no fury like a 2 year old back home after a busy, fun-filled, schedule-destroying vacation.
— Will Goldstein (@willgoldstein) July 6, 2015
3 yr old: "Mommy, I drew a picture of a giant house for us to live in but it only has two windows and 56 dogs live there." Me: "No thanks?"
— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) July 9, 2015
"Mess up my clean kitchen & you'll never eat again!" & other things I say that qualify me for Mom of the Year.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 7, 2015
I am my 3yo's absolute favorite person in the entire world. Unless his mother is around. Then, I'm a piece of human garbage.
— Dave Lesser (@AmateurIdiot) July 6, 2015
1st kid: I put my tooth in a tooth fairy pocket pillow & hung it on my bed post! Me: Yay! 4th kid: imma just take $5 out ur wallet,k? Me: k
— So Done Mom (@Momtoteens) July 5, 2015
If you're wondering if my kids have learned how to change a toilet paper roll this summer, they haven't.
— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) July 9, 2015
5yo: Sometimes I listen to you. Me: Really? Like when? 5yo: Remember that day....
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) July 2, 2015
Note to self: "You're as difficult as a tamagotchi!" is not a thing a 2015 five-year-old understands.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) July 6, 2015
"Children Should Be Seen & Not Heard" --a fairytale
— Bangers & Meh (@TheAlexNevil) July 5, 2015
The difference between a baby and a toddler? A baby makes a mess by accident; a toddler makes a mess on purpose.
— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) July 8, 2015
Sorry I sent my kid into the neighborhood pool to wash the Cheeto dust off of her fingers.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 7, 2015
Forget "jumbo shrimp." "Family Vacation" is the biggest oxymoron of all time.
— Northern Lights (@PinkCamoTO) July 7, 2015
Trying to figure out why I've had migraines for the last two weeks and then remembered the kids are home for the summer.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) July 9, 2015
4yo (Rubbing my arm lovingly): "Thank you, Daddy!" Me: "Oh, you're welcome! But for what?" 4yo: "For being my napkin." (Runs off) Oh.
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) July 6, 2015
"And I'm going to live with you forever and ever" ~Toddler threats
— RoundTheTwist (@MummaCrazy) July 7, 2015
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on "chocolate."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 9, 2015
My kids say they love me so often that I'm convinced they have no idea what it means.
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 7, 2015
Also on HuffPost:
Cute Kid Notes
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