Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Mom, I had a nightmare" Translation: "Move over. You're getting a cuddly barnacle and 4 inches of the mattress for the rest of the night"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) October 1, 2015
People: I bet you have so much free time now that all of your kids are in school! Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
— YKIHAYHT (@YKIHAYHT) September 30, 2015
Parenthood: where you see your kids as miniature versions of you & they see you as an ATM.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 29, 2015
Parenting is 50% teaching your kids to share and 50% hiding the food you don't want to share with them. http://t.co/cETtmXn0Ff
— HollowTreeVentures (@RobynHTV) September 30, 2015
We took the kids apple picking once. Son "You realize you're actually paying to listen to us complain right?" Haven't gone since.
— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) September 29, 2015
Me: Time to wake up. 5-year-old: *springs up* Let's play. Me: It's a school day. 5-year-old: *lies down* I'm too tired.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2015
"Anna, I found you an orange shirt for bully awareness today!" "Ugh, Mom. That's SALMON." Oh, excuuuuuse me, Ms. Wintour.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) October 2, 2015
Parenting is: 85% pretending you know what you're doing 10% stepping on legos or marbles 5% celebrating someone not crapping their pants.
— Lea Grover (@bcmgsupermommy) September 27, 2015
Nothing good ever comes from a sentence that begins with, "A kid at school told me..."
— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) September 29, 2015
Just recorded the soundtrack for our haunted house. It's 2 minutes of bath time. Might not scare kids, but parents will be terrified.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 29, 2015
"Don't touch anything!!" My life in three words.
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) September 28, 2015
I'm a good dad but not "sit here and constantly watch you get killed on the first level of Super Mario without taking the controller" good.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 30, 2015
Apparently restaurant bathrooms are the coolest fucking places ever... My son must visit and spend an hour in them all!
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 29, 2015
If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, what does that say about parenting?
— qwertygirl (@qwertygirl) September 30, 2015
We went to a party two days ago. I'm still tired in case you were wondering how parenthood changes you.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) September 29, 2015
My 4 yo: (singing) If we can work together, I like to poop! Pretty sure Daniel Tiger's parents wouldn't be impressed with that variation.
— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) October 2, 2015
I swear kids have an inner GPS to locate any & all puddles to walk through when they aren't wearing rainboots.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) October 1, 2015
What's free time? - Parents
— Rock (@TheMichaelRock) September 30, 2015
Me: "What do you want to eat?" 6yo, nonchalant: "Ohhhh I don't know.... maybe giant hairballs, coming out of the sky? The size of mammoths?"
— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) October 1, 2015
Also on HuffPost:
Cute Kid Notes
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