Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
If there aren't 4 petrified meals on the floor of your car, are you even a parent?
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) October 29, 2015
Luckily ever single place we go this month tries to give my kids candy so they are super calm and easy to parent.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 26, 2015
Don't forget to set your clocks & your emotional state back an hour to the cold, dark days of winter.
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) October 29, 2015
Wife: can you change the baby Me: oh thank god. I'm so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will Wife: I don't mean swap it for a new one Me: ...
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) October 28, 2015
Me: *stares blankly at the router* What's our password? Wife: All our kids birthdays in a row. Me: Oh yeah *stares blankly at the router*
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2015
Parenthood is: Spending $25 on a kid's Halloween costume, then throwing together something different 6 minutes before they leave for school.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) October 30, 2015
My children: "Happy Birthday Mommy!" 2 seconds later. My children: "When's breakfast? Can we have eggs? He pushed me. Is breakfast ready?"
— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) October 26, 2015
Do people still say “going postal” because I think it’s time we update the slang to “going toddler-hungry.”
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 27, 2015
Telling your kids to always tell the truth. Telling your kids the gummy bear you are eating is a vitamin. Parenthood is full of irony.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 27, 2015
The only thing louder than a garbage truck is a 2yo yelling WISTEN MAMA DA GAWBAGE TWUCK COMING!
— kristin (@shriekhouse) October 29, 2015
For trick-or-treat this year, I am going as "Dad that makes his kids give him all their Milky Ways."
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 24, 2015
Oh, autumn, with the cooler weather and the crunching underfoot of all the cereal my kids spilled on the kitchen floor.
— Hot Breakfast (@amydillon) October 27, 2015
Parenthood is a lot like Groundhog Day: the same routine day in & day out with varying degrees of screaming & crying.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 26, 2015
If you need me I'll be "uh-huh"ing the shit out of my family while I finish this really good book.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 27, 2015
Last year, the boys wanted Star Wars pumpkins but this year they only want "angry eyes & fangs". I appreciate their lowered expectations.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) October 29, 2015
Me: "what is the puppy's name going to be?" 4 y/o: "Sansa! NOT Pooper." Me: "I...didn't know that one was on the table, honestly."
— Nicold Blood (@Nicole_Cliffe) October 27, 2015
Made it to that level of mom where I'm receiving emails with exclusive information about the upcoming KidzBop tour.
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 29, 2015
9: The remote isn't working me: Did you smack it? 9: Yep me: Did you push the button down really hard? 9: Yep me: Well I'm out of ideas
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) October 27, 2015
Why listen the first time when you can listen the 472nd time? -my kids' motto
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) October 26, 2015
I'm starting to make a conscious effort to be nicer to the kid most likely to pay for my nursing home.
— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) October 27, 2015
"A E I O U and sometimes..." *Lifts arms to the sky "WHYYYYYY?!??" - me, teaching vowels to my 6yos
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) October 28, 2015
Also on HuffPost:
