Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
5-year-old: Can we buy that? Me: It's too expensive 5: Use your credit card. Then it's free Guess who's never getting her own credit card
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 15, 2016
I just had foot surgery & the Dr. told me to stay off my feet. It's like he doesn't know how parenting works.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) January 21, 2016
Based on the events of today, and every single day of the past five years, I have little choice but to graft my son's shoes to his feet.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 20, 2016
If being woken up after 40 minutes of sleep by a vomiting child sounds like your idea of a good time then parenting is definitely for you.
— The Dose of Reality (@TheDoseTweets) January 18, 2016
18 years of parenting has taught me that maybe I'm not cut out for parenting.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 20, 2016
It's okay to judge a book by its cover when the cover is missing. I can safely say that book has been in the hands of children.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) January 18, 2016
Making tacos at 4am because the tiny dictator who rules my home demanded it.
— Creed (@novicefather) January 22, 2016
I just panicked over whether I dropped my kids off at the right schools this AM, in case you're wondering why I write down all my passwords.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) January 20, 2016
*looks back at my bed* I will return, my love. Wait for me.
— Jessica (@jessicaesquire) January 20, 2016
Yesterday: Any time between the previous day and conception. --According to toddlers
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 21, 2016
3yo: Can you teach me magic? Me: Sounds fun 3yo: So yes? Me: Yes but why magic? 3yo: I want to make you disappear 3yo: *stares into my soul*
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) January 22, 2016
Does anyone know where I can get a layer cake and 50 balloons on short notice? My daughter closed a drawer today.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) January 18, 2016
Wasn't the last one at pick-up today so if you need parenting advice I'm obviously your girl.
— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) January 20, 2016
My 2-year-old demanded cereal. He cried for it. Begged for it. NEEDED it! So I gave it to him. "No like cereal, Dada." Right on schedule.
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) January 22, 2016
6yo: I need to fart Me: No, we're eating 6yo: Ok, I'll just hold it in with my hand *Farts 6yo: It didn't work
— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) January 20, 2016
I can shout "hands out of your pants/nose" without looking up from my phone and still be pretty confident I caught one of them at it.
— Mark, Sonny, & Luca (@sonnyandluca) January 18, 2016
Me: Boom! Drops the mic! 12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom. Me: Oh? What do they say? 12yo: I'm not telling you.
— Experienced Bad Mom (@ExperBadMom) January 18, 2016
My wife made 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies. I'm home alone and hoping that she forgot she made these.
— Brian Hope (@Brianhopecomedy) January 21, 2016
5: *wakes up crying Me: "What's wrong?" 5: "I dreamed I had one piece of cake." Me: "Well that's not-" 5: "SOMEONE ATE IT!!" *we both cry
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 21, 2016
I'm just happy to have someone to watch Blue's Clues with at 3AM. I used to do this alone. Said no parent ever.
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) January 18, 2016
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