Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2016
When you're ridiculously sick yet you'd rather take the train into the office just to escape your home, you've probably got a 2-year-old.
— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) March 7, 2016
I just figured it out. If I wake up 3 hours before my kids do and then never sleep ever again, I think I can finally get everything done.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 8, 2016
2yo wet the bed and 3yo threw up. Smells a lot like motherhood today.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) March 8, 2016
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.
— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
Then they started working together.
9yo says he's been earning trading cards for brokering deals between classmates at school. Apparently, my son is now an agent.
— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) March 7, 2016
My parenting superpower: the ability to squish down clothes in a laundry bin to look like we have 14 more days before we need to wash them.
— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) March 7, 2016
My 5yo's homework was to decorate a big, paper 4-leaf clover with things she feels lucky to have.
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 8, 2016
She drew mac n cheese on all 4 leaves.
One of the rights you give up as a parent is the freedom to roll into the center of the bed without fear of hitting a human speed bump.
— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 11, 2016
You'd think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he's on a "conference call" and we're "distracting."
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 7, 2016
Not sure I want a course on reaching my potential. Pretty sure I'm already overachieving just by getting the kids to school fully dressed.
— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) March 8, 2016
I've never understood how my children can have one shower and make my bathroom look like a waterpark.
— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 11, 2016
Pro parenting tip: Always die first in a lightsaber battle. You get to rest the longest.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 11, 2016
"But I JUST cleaned this place last week!" was my first thought this morning.
— Karen Callahan (@totmessmom) March 7, 2016
"If you and your sister stay quiet while I nap I will give you each a box of cookies."
— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 10, 2016
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whenever my kids complain about something being hard I say, "Try having kids."
— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 8, 2016
"Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog"
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 8, 2016
It's funny how easily you can bully other parents by getting kid show songs stuck in their heads.
I'm almost 40. Every time I get sick, I just assume this is my body's new baseline.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 7, 2016
If you see the writing on the wall, ignore it. It usually just means my kids found the sharpies again.
— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 8, 2016
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