Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I put my symptoms into WebMD & it turns out I just have kids.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2016
When you're ridiculously sick yet you'd rather take the train into the office just to escape your home, you've probably got a 2-year-old.— Aaron Gouveia (@DaddyFiles) March 7, 2016
I just figured it out. If I wake up 3 hours before my kids do and then never sleep ever again, I think I can finally get everything done.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 8, 2016
2yo wet the bed and 3yo threw up. Smells a lot like motherhood today.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) March 8, 2016
I thought there was nothing worse than when my kids fought.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 10, 2016
Then they started working together.
9yo says he's been earning trading cards for brokering deals between classmates at school. Apparently, my son is now an agent.— Kelly Phillips Erb (@taxgirl) March 7, 2016
My parenting superpower: the ability to squish down clothes in a laundry bin to look like we have 14 more days before we need to wash them.— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) March 7, 2016
My 5yo's homework was to decorate a big, paper 4-leaf clover with things she feels lucky to have.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 8, 2016
She drew mac n cheese on all 4 leaves.
One of the rights you give up as a parent is the freedom to roll into the center of the bed without fear of hitting a human speed bump.— Make Meh Great Again (@TheAlexNevil) March 11, 2016
You'd think my husband would like it when my 8yo beatboxes as I do the robot but NOOOO he's on a "conference call" and we're "distracting."— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 7, 2016
Not sure I want a course on reaching my potential. Pretty sure I'm already overachieving just by getting the kids to school fully dressed.— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) March 8, 2016
I've never understood how my children can have one shower and make my bathroom look like a waterpark.— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 11, 2016
Pro parenting tip: Always die first in a lightsaber battle. You get to rest the longest.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 11, 2016
"But I JUST cleaned this place last week!" was my first thought this morning.— Karen Callahan (@totmessmom) March 7, 2016
"If you and your sister stay quiet while I nap I will give you each a box of cookies."— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 10, 2016
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Whenever my kids complain about something being hard I say, "Try having kids."— OneFunnyMotha (@OneFunnyMotha) March 8, 2016
"Hot dog hot dog hot diggity dog"— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 8, 2016
It's funny how easily you can bully other parents by getting kid show songs stuck in their heads.
I'm almost 40. Every time I get sick, I just assume this is my body's new baseline.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 7, 2016
If you see the writing on the wall, ignore it. It usually just means my kids found the sharpies again.— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) March 8, 2016