Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
What I say:— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) March 17, 2016
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Me: Okay kids. Time for bed.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 18, 2016
Repeat 50,000x = my life.
"DON'T PUT YOUR FACE IN OTHER PEOPLE'S BUTTS!!" Actual thing I just said to one of my children. More than once.— Stephanie D (@StephDsays) March 17, 2016
15% booster seat— Carbosly (@Carbosly) March 18, 2016
10% back of driver seat
25% floor mat
5% car ceiling
1% plastic bag
-Where my son threw up
Parenting makes you qualified to manage a nudist colony.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) March 15, 2016
Kids can be so inspiring.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 15, 2016
Mine have inspired me to find better places to hide from them.
Didn't realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby's room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) March 16, 2016
I am scheduling a shower that won't be interrupted by children. I penciled it in around 1:45am.— Court (@Discourt) March 15, 2016
Parenting is telling your kids to go upstairs and change their clothes, but instead they wrestle for 15 minutes and come down naked.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 17, 2016
Me: What are you painting?— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 15, 2016
3yo: A rainbow.
Me: No, I mean look at what you’re painting!
3yo: The couch? I'm making it pretty!
Somewhere in the world right now there's a mother screaming at her kids to pick up their toys...oh wait, that's me....— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) March 15, 2016
"One more cup of coffee and I'll be that peppy person I've always admired."— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) March 15, 2016
--Me, 25 times a day
My older kids have started correcting the cute way their little brother talks so unfortunately they'll be moving out.— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) March 15, 2016
Think you're smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 16, 2016
My house looks like a scene from a RomCom with clothes all over the stairs to the bedroom-only it's the kids' clothes heading up to the tub.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) March 17, 2016
I didn't know how good my sons were at lying until they told their uncle they "liked school" with a straight face.— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) March 17, 2016
In case you were wondering, 4th grade is apparently the age at which boys begin saying both "yo mama" and "deez nuts." Good times.— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) March 18, 2016
mom: "you guys don't get to pick the TV channel... dad and I will pick"— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) March 13, 2016
dad whisper: "that means mom will pick"
We plan to be kind patient moms who accept our kids exactly as they are then we see them take 45 mins to eat a goddamn bowl of Lucky Charms.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 18, 2016
Apparently I'm the next contestant on "Are you smart enough to do your daughter's grade 7 homework?"— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) March 18, 2016
The answer is NO.
Me: Where did the candy go?— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) March 16, 2016
3-year-old: The dog told me to eat some of it.
Me: Half of that isn't true.
3: He told me to eat all of it.
5yo: Just one more question before I go to bed.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) March 15, 2016
5yo: What are the lines on your forehead for?
5yo: Now they look angry.