Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Parenthood is waking up at 5 am to the sound of your kid practicing his "best howl."— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) April 11, 2016
Nothing gets the blood pumping first thing in the morning like having to chase down your 5yo when he sprints away from the school bus.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 14, 2016
Times of the day my kids are the most hungry:— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) April 11, 2016
1. 10 seconds after they've said "I'm full," and we've cleared plates.
Favorite lie told by my kids:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 13, 2016
I cleaned my room but don't go in there yet.
*Doesn't camp out before the elementary school music concert*— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) April 13, 2016
*Parks 300 miles away and hikes to the school*
There is only one rule to successful parenting: Never. Run. Out. Of. Batteries.— Will (@willgoldstein) April 14, 2016
My toddler has created "karate ballet"— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) April 13, 2016
and I'm scared for us all...
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that "Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it's next to Mrs. Sippi."— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) April 11, 2016
My 6yos forget their school backpacks every single day. You have to admire that level of consistency.— Father With Twins (@FatherWithTwins) April 14, 2016
After years of marriage & kids I have no idea how I'd handle a 1st date. Just give him a juice box, crackers & an iPad? Do I bring coupons?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 11, 2016
It's weird how we tell kids not to lie then tell them how good the picture they drew is.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 15, 2016
Parenting is fun if you're into things like cooking for people who aren't hungry.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 9, 2016
Me: You forgot to brush your teeth. They're going to fall out.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) April 14, 2016
5-year-old: That's the point.
That tooth fairy story backfired.
Potty training my kid, and I just made up a cheer with the word POOP in it. Burning my college degree later today.— Carrie On, Y'all (@CarrieOnYall) April 12, 2016
If you are considering procreating, come to my house before school in the a.m. to see what this joy of parenting shit is truly all about.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 14, 2016
I just tried to wear funky athletic leggings only to have my 7 yr old daughter look at me sternly & say, "That's kind of like lying, Mommy"— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) April 13, 2016
Me: [walking up slide] Have you seen my briefcase? I'm late for an important meeting.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 14, 2016
[slides down, checks toybox]
Where is it?
8: Can I poop on you?— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) April 13, 2016
Me: No, thank you.
11: Does Batman go to the bathroom standing up or sitting?
Me: Both, I hope.
- Why I hide from kids
Number of ponytail holders I've purchased for my daughter: 4 billion— Sara (@smilely_gal) April 11, 2016
Number of ponytail holders she can locate: 0
Do you ever close your kids car door and then pause to take a huge deep breath before entering the car yourself? Yeah, that.— Chris Read (@CanadianDadBlog) April 13, 2016