Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My children are getting along and laughing this morning. The planets must be out of alignment.— Cathryn (@AngryRaccoon2) April 18, 2016
I thought I had a headache this morning but it turns out I just have kids.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 18, 2016
3 weeks ago: I'm going to chaperone the kindergarten field trip!— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 22, 2016
Today: OH DEAR GOD I'M CHAPERONING THE KINDERGARTEN FIELD TRIP
I've enjoyed a lot of "firsts" with 6, but the one I most look forward to is the first time he tells me something in under 15 minutes.— Meh Maketh Man (@TheAlexNevil) April 22, 2016
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) April 19, 2016
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
One thing I hadn't accounted for when I became a parent was how much higher the percentages became that my phone could end up in a toilet.— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) April 21, 2016
50% of parenting is telling people to put their pants back on.— Jen Simon (@NoSleepInBklyn) April 21, 2016
It's cute how my kids think they can out-vote the parents like this is some sort of democracy.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 18, 2016
I'm not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.— Jessica Watson (@JessBWatson) April 22, 2016
if my kid pushed any more buttons, I'd be an elevator..— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) April 18, 2016
Someday I'm going to write a book called "cheese is not a breakfast food and other rules that apply to my kids but not to me."— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) April 21, 2016
Hands down, my favorite part of being a mom is waking up early to cook a hot nutritious breakfast no one eats.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) April 15, 2016
Me: [pulls photo from wallet]— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 22, 2016
Stranger: Adorable. Are these your kids making snow angels?
Me: No. They're playing in flour they spilled.
Currently searching the shelves at Target for a welcome mat that says, "Go away."— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 20, 2016
"Wow, Daddy! Dinner was actually yummy tonight!"— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 19, 2016
"Whining and crying gets you no cookies." Things I've said 200000 times by 9 am for a thousand, Alex.— Stephanie D (@StephDsays) April 19, 2016
Rule #5628 of school pick-up:— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) April 21, 2016
Pull all the way up to the car ahead of you.
It's not hard parents.
Headed to the airport with a baby, a 5yo, a stroller, a car seat, and everything my wife & kids own packed into huge suitcases. Pray for me.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) April 22, 2016