Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My house is like an I Spy book, but with food that my kids have hidden in obscure places.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) May 2, 2016
Hey teenagers it's no accident that your parents embarrass you. When you got up at dawn & watched them pee they were plotting their revenge.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 5, 2016
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I'd lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.— Mike Reynolds (@PuzzlingPostDad) May 2, 2016
Parenting wouldn't be so bad if you never had to wake your kids & tell them it's time to get ready for school.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 2, 2016
*before school— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 2, 2016
Kids: Why do we have to go to school? It's so boring!
Me: What're you guys doing?
Kids: We're playing school
So The Fast and the Furious isn't about grocery shopping with your toddler?— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 2, 2016
6yo: I want to become a chef so I can make hot dogs with yucky stuff on them.— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) May 6, 2016
Shoot for the stars, little buddy.
9: I don't feel well.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) May 2, 2016
Me: You just have the Mondays.
9: What helps the Mondays go away?
7: I have the Mondays, too!!!
mom or waitress? hard to say most days— Christina Anderson (@Xtina_Anderson) May 3, 2016
[Family Meeting]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 5, 2016
Ok, how much toilet paper do you use per wipe?
*5 year old holds up a wad the size of a t-shirt*
We've found the culprit.
90% of parenting is using your finger to wipe your kids face.— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 2, 2016
3-year-old: *pouts*— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 2, 2016
Me: Is something wrong with your lunch?
3: It's too wet.
Me: It's soup.
5: Mom said I need to clean my room.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) May 4, 2016
9: Nah, not your whole room. She just means you need to clear a path from the door to the bed.
If only I had something besides the weather forecast and 41 Mays worth of experience that could convince my child to wear a jacket.— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) May 4, 2016
When I asked 5yo if he ate bkfast he said "I threw it in the garbage" & there it was, next to any illusions I'd had abt enjoying fatherhood.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) May 5, 2016
I just literally realized that I could go to the movie theater while the kids are in school. I've wasted a year doing "housework".— ♀ (@justjesssssssss) May 6, 2016
Me: Pick out a book to read.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) May 5, 2016
[3 years later]
5yo: This one! This one! No, wait…
Parenting:— Court (@Discourt) May 6, 2016
Me- *vacuums mini van*
Toddler- *drops muffin*
Repeat for 18 years