Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you're wondering it's 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) May 31, 2016
My daughter has this really cute thing she does where she asks me if her breakfast is ready every five seconds. So adorable.— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) May 31, 2016
Kids' ears are amazing. It takes 7 times to hear "Pick up that toy" yet they can hear a bag of chips open at 50 yards.— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) May 30, 2016
[6:23 am]— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 29, 2016
6yo: OH MY GOD I SLEPT SO LATE I HAVE TO GET UP
A little PSA for those of you on the fence about having kids.
Parenting Equation:— Ye Of Little Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 1, 2016
the number of times you say "Turn off that light!" ✕ the number of times you say "Close that door!" = infinity.
Little girl at my daughters gymnastics class: "Mom I wanna do a ham-stand."— Brittany Gibbons (@brittanyherself) May 31, 2016
Me too, lady. Me too.
If you've never rage-folded a load of laundry then you either don't have kids or don't have a husband.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 1, 2016
daughter pulls out the new milk:— dadmissions (@Dadmissions) May 31, 2016
dad: "is the OTHER milk done?"
daughter: "there's BARELY any left"
My 4yo daughter just exclaimed, "When I grow up, my name is gonna be Lollipop!" in case you were wondering about my parental competency.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 31, 2016
You never really know how good you are at strategic planning until 6 yells at you from the other room that 3 is pooping their pants.— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) May 31, 2016
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 31, 2016
6yo: I gotta go to the bathroom.— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) May 31, 2016
Me: Just a minute.
6yo: Right now!
Me: Ok! *opens door*
6yo: Wanna see me do a cartwheel first?
6: "Mom! I learned something today! And not from school-- I LEARNED IT FROM MY LIFE!"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 2, 2016
Deep stuff happening on summer break, you guys.
Kids would be better if they disappeared when they fell asleep and reappeared when you woke up.— Lunarbaboon (@Lunarbaboon) May 29, 2016
8: Would you pay 75 cents for a handmade baseball card?— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) May 28, 2016
Me: No, but I'll give you 10.
8: I don't haggle, Mom. I'm not a yard sale person.
My son told me he likes my hair pulled back because it looks like a zebra with all my gray hair. So I threw out all my ponytail holders.— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) May 31, 2016