Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Before kids: "Oh I don't drink coffee"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) June 16, 2016
1 kid: "I'll have one cup, lots of cream & sugar"
2 kids: "THE WHOLE POT BLACK YES I KNOW IT'S HOT"
If you don't want your kid to be late for camp because "the cat isn't being nice to him" then I suggest taking a pass on parenthood.— Sarah (est. 1975) (@est1975blog) June 15, 2016
I've worn the same thing to work every day this week: spit up on my shirt.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 17, 2016
Whenever I want two hours by myself, I hand my toddler a pair of socks and ask her to put them on.— Ponies and Martinis (@PonyMartini) June 17, 2016
Applying make-up -— Sara (@smilely_gal) June 15, 2016
Toddler: "Ooh. You look like a tiger mama"
Really re-thinking this new blush.
Reached that level of dad where I bribe my kids for hugs by offering to carry their school bags.— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) June 14, 2016
What's the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?— Manda LikeCatsOK? (@Manda_like_wine) June 9, 2016
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) June 17, 2016
That was easy.
"Don't practice boxing in the bath tub."— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) June 17, 2016
::My son proceeds to practice karate instead.::
Kids arguing over foolishness... I start a low steady scream like the emergency broadcast system. They stop and bust out laughing. Mom wins.— SocaMom® (@SocaMomDC) June 16, 2016
7: I'm not gonna say what we got you for Father's Day but it's tickets to a baseball game— I Was A Fool For Meh (@TheAlexNevil) June 15, 2016
M: You just told me
7: No I said I'm not gonna say
4- Mom I literally just made the biggest mess. You have GOT to come see it. You're gonna be so mad.— Court (@Discourt) June 17, 2016
Me- Um. No thanks. *drinks wine*
Last day of school, and I'm hosting a pool party for all the kids at my house, in case you were wondering how poor of a decision maker I am.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) June 16, 2016
Most inventors are smart, but not the person who invented homework. They are the worst of all the inventors.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) June 15, 2016
It would be super helpful if kids could grasp the social cue of a shush. Or literally any social cue ever.— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) June 15, 2016
This Father's Day, be sure to thank your dad for secretly allowing you to do all that fun, dangerous stuff your mom wouldn't let you do.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) June 15, 2016
Is there anyone more drunk with power than a 7yo boy at the concession stand at his sister's softball game with $5 in his pocket?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 17, 2016
"If I'm done with it, throw it on the floor."— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) June 16, 2016
- Toddler Logic
When you wake up at 5:00 am and can't go back to sleep and your kids are still asleep at 8:00...— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) June 15, 2016
I don't care what my family gets me for Father's Day as long as they don't waste $7 on a gift bag and tissue paper to put it in.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 17, 2016