Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I mean, if there is a watch that is a phone, why the hell can't pacifiers be remote controlled or at least come with tracking chips?
— lyz lenz (@lyzl) September 12, 2014
Toy surgeon. Part of the dad job description I didn't know about....
— The Dadinator (@dadinating) September 12, 2014
Toddler. Definition: a tiny, lawless person who you want to strangle and snuggle simultaneously.
— SnuggleMummy (@NinsMum) September 13, 2014
I just need a quick sip of water, so let me fill this giant cup all the way up to the tippy-top to the rim.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) September 12, 2014
- kids
What do you have in your mouth? Wait, is that dog food?! Is he eating dog food? HEY GET BACK HERE!!
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 13, 2014
-A memoir
it's hard to teach your kid patience when he keeps fucking interrupting you
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 8, 2014
Who taught my daughter to freak out over every little thing that doesn't go her way?
— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) September 11, 2014
Oh shit, it was me, wasn't it?
khakis for the cool dad? PLEATS BY DRE
— Mr. Peel (@Rlpihl) September 13, 2014
Whenever I talk to my 3yo daughter on the phone, I feel like I'm talking to the drunk dude at the bar.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) September 13, 2014
5-yr-old types "kmnfwczatyoplae" into a text document, points to it and says, "That's Spanish for 'I don't like green beans.'"
— Heather B. Armstrong (@dooce) September 10, 2014
5yo asked what a step-dad is, so I just explained why I have 2 sets of parents. His follow-up: That was long. How do they make eyeballs?
— Zach Rosenberg (@zjrosenberg) September 13, 2014
Glad my husband didn't hear my 5yo call his Atari shirt "Dad's Tahari shirt" a little while ago. Weep, ye gods of the eighties. Weep.
— Naps Happen (@NapsHappen) September 11, 2014
Daddy, why does that singer want sugar poured on him?
— James (@JamesHudyma) September 12, 2014
The 6YO wants me to watch everything she does on the iPad instead of staring at it and ignoring everyone around her like a normal person.
— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) September 7, 2014
You can get your child to eat stuff he doesnt like by disguising it as stuff he likes, so I'll keep insisting this pureed spinach is an iPad
— Raquel D'Apice (@theuglyvolvo) September 9, 2014
There's nothing like the feeling of hitting send on an email to your kid's teacher and then realizing you accidentally wrote "xo" at the end
— Kelcey Kintner (@mamabirddiaries) September 8, 2014
My mom loading my kids up with candy just before I pick them up, is her passive aggressive way of thanking me for being an asshole as a kid
— stupid mess (@XOperfectmessXO) September 14, 2014
Used to have sex in the afternoon to keep it from my parents..
— ￡ﾏﾉalerie (@MissvalCa) September 11, 2014
Now it's to keep it from my kids.
My 5yo just got a haircut so he basically looks like he can buy beer without getting carded now.
— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) September 11, 2014
Everyday: "you can't have ice cream until you finish your hotdog"
— Jason Good (@jasonmgood) September 13, 2014
Is it too much to ask for my son to put ME to bed for once? I won't struggle in the slightest, believe me; I'm almost 40.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) September 7, 2014
"Did you boys brush your teeth?"
— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) September 10, 2014
"Yes" in unison.
"Let me clarify..did you brush them tonight?"
Every damn night.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 8, 2014
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Parents that step on tiny Lego heads in a darkened bedroom and manage not to scream and wake sleeping children are the real heroes.
— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) September 11, 2014
Thumping.
— Jen Good (@buriedwithkids) September 12, 2014
Giggling.
Headboard hitting the wall.
These are the sounds of a college co-ed dorm room or my kids not sleeping.
safe non-habit forming tranquilizers for babies
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 8, 2014
sorry thought this was google, disregard (tired)
— Bunmi Laditan (@BunmiLaditan) September 8, 2014
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