Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Being a parent means looking at the clock at 8am and wondering how it got so late.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 27, 2016
If you're looking for all the sand on the beach I apologize my kids put it all in our beach bag and cooler.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) July 27, 2016
My stand up comedy act would consist of me repeating all the times I've said "maybe tonight bedtime won't be so bad."— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) July 26, 2016
When you're a parent, sometimes you get to take mini-vacations.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 28, 2016
These are also known as trips to the bathroom without your child knowing.
The first 3 years of parenthood is one long game of charades. The following years are bonus rounds in which your kids give riddles as clues.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 24, 2016
I wish there was anything in the world that thrilled me as much as my 6yo when his 4yo brother is in danger of receiving a time out.— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 27, 2016
DAD CONFESSION:— Bo-Jacques (@jnyemb) July 25, 2016
Kiddo pulled the covers over her head for the 1st time when I hit the lights to wake her up for school.
It was satisfying.
Parenting at the beach is 78% walking kids back and forth to the bathroom and 22% yelling "come back over this way please!"— Court (@Discourt) July 26, 2016
"I said shut the door! We're not cooling the whole neighborhood."— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) July 22, 2016
-Me being the fun mom I always thought I'd be
An exciting thing about kids is that they'll wake up screaming at 2 am, and you won't know if they're dying or if their "mouth feels spicy."— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) July 28, 2016
I can hear my 6-year-old singing "We Will Rock You" in the bathroom.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2016
I'm not sure what's happening in there, but apparently it's going well
Parenting: when your lunch consists of a warmed-up half-eaten hamburger that your child didn't eat the night before.— Jennifer Marquez (@jenrrain) July 28, 2016
"Grammy has a special machine that stops the movie where you are when you turn off the tv. It's called a Vee Hech Ess. Can we get one?"— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) July 26, 2016
I tell my kids that it's important to learn pointless algebra because someday they may have to help their kids learn pointless algebra.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2016
My daughter's camp was cancelled and my son's was cut in half so if you need me I'll be here bribing them to leave me alone so I can work.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 29, 2016
From this point on, summer is basically me sipping bourbon & humming Jesus, Take the Wheel while my kids literally set the house on fire.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 23, 2016
The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 27, 2016
*hears loud crash— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) July 25, 2016
Me: What was that?
All kids in unison: NOTHING
Listening to the thunder rumble as we head inside and 4 says: don't worry, that's just my belly. I'm really hungry!— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) July 26, 2016
Monday: Loves broccoli— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 26, 2016
Tuesday: Hates broccoli. It's gross. How can you feed this to me? Oh the humanity..
My life with a 4 year old...
Me: "What would you like for breakfast today?"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) July 29, 2016
5yo: "Ummm, Raisin Bran, but no flakes, please."
Me: "So just raisins in milk?"