Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: Get out of bed.— Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 24, 2016
Me: Why do you fight me every single morning?
4: Because you never learn.
A toddler is 10x more likely to eat food they find on the floor than food they find on a plate.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) August 25, 2016
Being a parent is kind of like being a taxi driver.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) August 23, 2016
Except you don't get paid & all of your customers complain that they're thirsty.
I'm at my most Cinderella when I'm scrubbing crayon marks off the floor and desperately trying to find my five-year-old's missing sneaker.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) August 24, 2016
4 year olds at 4 am. Uuugggghhhhh.— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) August 26, 2016
0 out of 5 stars - would not recommend
First stomach virus of the school year. Excuse me while I burn everything in the house.— MaryWiddicks (@MaryWiddicks) August 24, 2016
Watching kids practice their dance routine. If you think by the law of averages at least 2 would clap in sync with each other you'd be wrong— Mark, Sonny & Luca (@sonnyandluca) August 23, 2016
My quick, easy kids' school lunch idea: put them on the hot lunch plan and say "done, suckaaas!!"— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) August 22, 2016
When your kid criticizes your cooking, just remember it's coming from a person who thinks the shape of food affects its flavor.— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) August 23, 2016
"Look Daddy, they're playing Water Soccer!"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) August 20, 2016
- 6yo, successfully explaining Water Polo to me for the first time.
I just learned that my daughter now eats bowls of cereal one Cheerio at a time and also that school mornings can, in fact, "get any worse."— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) August 23, 2016
When I'm mad at my kid, I don't put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.— Sara (@sara_ashlynn) August 26, 2016
Nothing brings me more joy than my 1 year old texting me— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) August 23, 2016
from my wife's phone.
Me: What is your favorite part of our beach vacation?— Jim Gaffigan (@JimGaffigan) August 25, 2016
Mikey (5yrs): Why can't we watch tv?
The great thing about toddlers is they will pull out and unwind the entire dental floss for you which is a big time saver for busy moms!— mama bird diaries (@mamabirddiaries) August 23, 2016
6yo: Can I turn on the hose outside?— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 24, 2016
Me: Ya, ask Mommy - she's out there
6yo: I can't
Me: Why not?
6yo: She already said "no"
Have kids so you too can sob throughout an entire documentary about baby sea turtles.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 25, 2016
I've reached the "explaining what an MMMBop is" stage of parenting.— Mike Spohr (@newbornidentity) August 26, 2016