Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I'm convinced the microwave was invented by a parent who was sick and tired of cold coffee.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) September 13, 2016
47 minutes: How long my kids can talk to me about Pokémon Go without getting a response or checking my vitals.— Whit Honea (@whithonea) September 13, 2016
Half of parenting is giving out consequences. The other half is trying to remember why you gave those consequences in the first place.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) September 13, 2016
4-year-old: Why did you say "shift?"— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 16, 2016
4: Yeah. When you got mad driving.
Me: Just shifting gears.
I drive an automatic.
Being a parent has taught me so much. Like how foolish I was to think I'd only put chocolate chips on yogurt once as "something special."— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) September 15, 2016
Parents learn so much that they never wanted to know.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) September 14, 2016
I'm not saying I've let things slide but I put on mascara today and like 6 people at my kid's school yelled "WOW why are you so dressed up?"— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) September 12, 2016
I got kicked out of the PTA because I forgot to make a Pinterest board of fun fall festival ideas.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 14, 2016
Kids are just nature's way of saying you don't need to buy anything nice again.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 14, 2016
If you're wanting an honest opinion about your hygiene or your cooking skills, have a few kids, they'll give it to you.— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) September 13, 2016
When you're picking up your kids from school wearing the same thing as yesterday & fellow parents walk by. pic.twitter.com/8NrNZGGyQR— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) September 14, 2016
I don't know why 7 is being reprimanded for being the "class clown." I'm giving him my "A" material.— Meh me once... (@TheAlexNevil) September 15, 2016
If anyone's looking for a gourmet chef, I just dumped two of my kids' Gogurts into a bowl and added blueberries.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) September 14, 2016
I think I'm just going to start wiping my kids food on my shirt.— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) September 12, 2016
You know, cut out the middleman
Pro tip:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 15, 2016
If you tell your kids about fossils, you get 100s of free paperweights all over the house.
Nothing says "I'm a mom" like a grocery bag full of Lunchables and wine.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) September 14, 2016
Me: *collapses onto couch after cleaning entire house*— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) September 12, 2016
My kids: [from the kitchen] uh oh
When your kid "puts away" her pile of clothes in record time. #nicetry pic.twitter.com/LNmiuYqikp— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) September 15, 2016
I can't imagine a world where I don't yell "BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE" when my kids start a sentence with "I like".#Parenting #BabyGotBack— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) September 16, 2016
Me: so did you like your first full week of school?— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) September 16, 2016
4yo: so it's the weekend now?
4yo: is there such a thing as a 200 day weekend?