Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Becoming a parent was all worth it when my son opened the door this morning, saw it was raining, and declared "Oh, ball sack!"— Neal Pollack (@nealpollack) September 26, 2016
Looking back, I wish I had known how little free time I'd have once I had chil-— Not THAT Hilary (@HilaryVervers) September 23, 2016
Based on the things my kid will and won't eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) September 28, 2016
Dumping my cold coffee from this morning into the sink as I wash dishes, paying silent respect to all the parents.— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) September 26, 2016
I'm well aware of the risks involved in letting 6 and 3 run off alone to play with makeup. The hour of peace and quiet outweigh any con.— Downtime Dad (@DowntimeDad) September 28, 2016
I just walked through a pile of toothepaste in the hallway...and that is what mornings are like when you have kids.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) September 30, 2016
[somebody drops mic, walks off]— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 27, 2016
[parent picks up mic, puts it away]
- The Cycle of Life
I bet none of these kids even know it is I, the middle-aged mom, who owns the Pokemon gym at the school.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) September 27, 2016
It's not that new moms don't have time to shower.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) September 29, 2016
It's that they're too exhausted to lift their arms above their head.
6yo: How old is the oldest car?— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) September 27, 2016
Me: Some cars are over 110 years old
6yo: You're almost that old
Me: Thanks, son
Parent Tip: don't tell your child "I'm waiting, I can wait all day if I have to" unless you've actually cleared your schedule for the day.— My Meh Precedes Me (@TheAlexNevil) September 28, 2016
I just settled an argument over the last waffle by eating it myself.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) September 27, 2016
Parenting is easy.
If you don't call your kid all its siblings names, the dog's name & the rabbit's name before getting it right then what kind of mum are you— Claire Smith (@MinistryOfMum) September 28, 2016
6YR OLD: daddy, I can't wear these shorts today…it's PE day…these are my slow shorts…we talked about this…please bring me my fast shorts— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) September 27, 2016
Well, at least this day can't get any worse.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 28, 2016
I say right before my kids spill an entire box of dry spaghetti on the kitchen floor.
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) September 30, 2016
My kid just cleaned up all her toys without being asked.— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) September 26, 2016
In unrelated news apparently hell has frozen over....
I've started calling my 1yo "Butt Butt," and it's the best nickname I've ever come up with.— Will (@willgoldstein) September 30, 2016
*spends 10 minutes getting 4 dressed for school— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) September 30, 2016
*4 immediately strips down completely naked so he can poop