Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
It takes my toddler son four minutes to put his shoes on, yet he can delete three apps & open Netflix on my iPhone in 12 seconds.
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 4, 2016
We're 4 weeks out from Halloween and I'm at peak anxiety that this will be the year my kids figure out how delicious peanut butter cups are.
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) October 5, 2016
One of my colleagues is a new dad. I'm currently listening to him talk to someone on the phone about poop. WELCOME TO THE CLUB, MY FRIEND.
— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) October 5, 2016
PTA event flyers- home of the multiple use exclamation points!!!
— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) October 4, 2016
My kid is genuinely pissed off at me because there is a "p" in the word "receipt," in case you wondered exactly how rewarding parenthood is.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 4, 2016
Bought my kids Mexican jumping beans today. Threw away my kids Mexican jumping beans today.
— Court (@Discourt) October 2, 2016
Having tested it exhaustively, I can certify that saying it's a school night has little to zero effect on a kid's willingness to go to bed.
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2016
If you enjoy being bitten when trying to wake small people for school, then parenting might be right for you.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 4, 2016
Trying to wash my toddler's hair during bath time is what I imagine it would be like to baptize an angry raccoon.
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) October 6, 2016
husband talked outside baby's door. baby now crying "mamaaaaaa." pic.twitter.com/2VtCpXDn25
— Farah Miller (@farahlearned) October 4, 2016
Not to brag, but it's 1 month into the school year and my 7yo has already lost 2 lunchboxes.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 6, 2016
I never realized how much complaining there would be in parenting. And that's just from me.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 1, 2016
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
— To Meh Is Human (@TheAlexNevil) September 30, 2016
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don't need to. I already saw her today.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that's already in my hand doesn't mean I'm crazy.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 5, 2016
It means I'm a parent.
All the suburban mom warriors on their neighborhood Facebook groups right now trying to make trick or treating happen on Saturday Oct. 29.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 3, 2016
"If you don't calm down and do your homework I'm taking you to Walgreen's for a flu shot."
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 2, 2016
-parenting is easy
"Oh Mr. Sun, sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on meeeee."
— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) October 4, 2016
*Music stops. Nicolas Cage sun comes up.*
"Noooo! Run, kids!" pic.twitter.com/AoeE4aeVBE
Husband 1st year of marriage: I don't want a TV in bedroom & let's not eat in bed.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) October 7, 2016
Me 14th year of marriage: hahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha
NOTICE: Due to overwhelmed olfactory systems, a 12-hour moratorium on small children pooping is in effect in this house as of 11:30am today.
— Will (@willgoldstein) October 4, 2016
When my kid is finally asleep: pic.twitter.com/muEzRkdvwo
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) October 6, 2016
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don't need a body pillow with my son's face embroidered on it for $400.
— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) September 30, 2016
My kids are outside finger painting so I'm just going to take a nice, quiet moment of sheer anxiety about what I'll find when they're done.
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) October 4, 2016
That weird parenting moment when your kid says "excuse me" to other kids after bumping into them on the bumper cars.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) October 3, 2016
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