Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won't stop calling me as if that's going to help me rest.
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 13, 2016
My parenting book that I'll never write is now called "Whatever Works (We are all winging it anyway)".
— Claire Smith (@MinistryOfMum) October 12, 2016
When you're packing your kid's lunch and she wanders in to tell you she doesn't like sandwiches anymore. pic.twitter.com/IDPOGJBoAO
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2016
It's 8:40am & I just broke up a fistfight over who gets the last tater tot, in case you're wondering how fulfilling parenthood is.
— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 11, 2016
Romantic dinner talk w/husband now consists of debating Paw Patrol plot holes. Interestingly, talking dogs was not an issue.#momlife
— Selfies to Selfless (@SelfiesSelfless) October 10, 2016
Nap time is dead. In memoriam, we ask that you send wine in lieu of flowers.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) October 10, 2016
Becoming a parent has given me a deeper understanding of the phrase 'like a broken record'.
— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) October 12, 2016
I can't go to school now. I need to play with this toy I haven't looked at in a year.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 10, 2016
- my 7yos before school every morning
My kid does this cute thing where she asks me a question and then another and another and another and IT NEVER STOPS.
— Mommy_Owl (@Lhlodder) October 12, 2016
Husband: Can you please make the kids be quiet?
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 10, 2016
Me: AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
H:
Me: Wait. You're...serious?
H:
Me: AHH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
When you're listening to one kid explain why the other kid is crying. pic.twitter.com/l0jA8gJBf6
— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 10, 2016
Having to tell your child to stop water bottle flipping before it's 7am is one of the perks of parenthood.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 10, 2016
Romance before kids: champagne & holding hands across a candlelit table.
— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) October 10, 2016
After: he deep cleaned the bathroom & it took my breath away.
My son turns nine months old today. According to my wife, her nine months of pregnancy took 300 times as long.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 12, 2016
"Why just take your socks off when you can take your socks off and throw them across the room?" -- Kids
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) October 13, 2016
October is basically helping your toddler put on his costume and take it off again over and over until you have a nervous breakdown.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) October 11, 2016
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) October 12, 2016
My daughter's ballet class is dancing to theme song of Jurassic Park rn and it's cracking me up
— Jessica Valenti (@JessicaValenti) October 13, 2016
Sorry we're late, you know how mornings are with kids, I got caught up gazing into my coffee in a panic induced state of existential despair
— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 13, 2016
Doorbell just rang. My 2 year old:"oh! It's chocolate!"
— Stephanie Rodham D (@StephDsays) October 11, 2016
I like the way you think, sister.
I attempted to cheer up a neighbor by praising her for being "real" and unlocked a new level of suburban housewife.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 12, 2016
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