Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"Do you promise to love, honor, cherish, & spend weekends watching your spawn play soccer, as long as you both shall live?"— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 23, 2016
Got all of my kids off to school without incident yet I feel there should be something more rewarding than my cold coffee.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 26, 2016
I’m totally into baby-wearing, but I mostly wear them as a hat.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 24, 2016
[takes five-year-old to the bathroom in a porta potty]— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) October 22, 2016
5: Mommy...are we in a trash can?
Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 27, 2016
Thoughts and prayers for my living room are appreciated as I wait to see how badly my toddler trashed the house during my 4.5 minute shower.— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) October 25, 2016
Are you even a parent if you don't have hundreds of videos of your kid being boring just after being completely adorable.— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) October 23, 2016
I take my coffee with two pumps of coffee and a shot of extra coffee and a squirt of coffee on top.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 24, 2016
Child's new thing is to spin in circles till he's dizzy and falls down. This is the 2 year old equivalent of going to the bar.— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 24, 2016
When my barista asked me if I want a free extra expresso shot I tried to say "yes please" but it came out "don't you even know me."— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 24, 2016
Can't figure out 7th grade son's math homework -- despite using his book, Google, Wikipedia, and about five wine coolers.— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) October 27, 2016
When Bea was 3:— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 24, 2016
3yo: I love u the mostest.
Me: I love u my tiniest baby.
3yo: I love u my oldest Mommy. My fossil Mom. You are a fossil.
How to terrify a parent this Halloween:— Selfies to Selfless (@SelfiesSelfless) October 27, 2016
Tell them a sippy cup is missing. And it's full of milk.
Then watch them scream. Mwahahaha
If your child isn't screaming into a pillow on her bedroom floor, how do you even know she has homework?— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) October 26, 2016
Hey childless people, take a knee. My son is 15 min deep in his monologue about what he wants for his birthday.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) October 24, 2016
4-year-old: *struggles to open a jar of peanut butter*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 26, 2016
Me: Want to know my trick for opening a stuck jar?
4: Hand it to Mom?
Me: Can you guys cooperate if I take you to the store?— Lurk @ Home Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 25, 2016
5yo: Do we have to decide right now?
I've yet to witness anything more terrifying than a hangry mom whose kids are making her run late to school drop-off.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 25, 2016
I let my kid drink a whole glass of milk right before bed because I live life right on the edge.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 26, 2016
Major disappointment for a teen: not being invited to a party.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 26, 2016
Major disappointment for an adult: being invited to a party.