Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Becoming a parent means spending the rest of your life looking like you are in desperate need of a shower, a nap, and a heavy drink.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 29, 2016
How stressed are you on a scale of one to parent of a kid who can now reach counter tops?— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) November 2, 2016
My 6yo made a list of her favorite things & I'm on it!— Wendy S. (@maughammom) November 3, 2016
I'm after Chuck E Cheese but I'm before mac n cheese so I'm still calling it a win.
Welcome to parenthood, during which, "You have lost all unchaperoned soap use privileges until further notice" is a thing you will say.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) October 31, 2016
Hardest part of Halloween was telling my kids they couldn't have a piece of candy before bed without them noticing the Skittles in my mouth.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 1, 2016
*Gets in shower while kids are sleeping*— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) November 4, 2016
2 mins later, kids bust thru the door w/ harmonicas: "We turned ALL the lights on, everywhere."
My 7-year-old son has been doing a purposeful and unprompted Chevy Chase slapstick routine for almost 10 minutes. I could not be more proud.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 30, 2016
Questions like, "Do you know what a wedgie is?" just prove that my kids have no idea I was young once.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) November 4, 2016
My thoughts and prayers go out to all the teachers who are trying to teach kids the day after Halloween. May the force be with you.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 1, 2016
8am:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 1, 2016
Lord, grant me the strength not eat my sons' candy today
Lord, grant me the speed to replace my sons' candy before they get home
I make my kids put their candy one communal bowl.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 30, 2016
I don’t care if they share with each other.
I just want it to be easier for me to steal.
Me: I guess we should probably put the Halloween decorations away.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) November 3, 2016
Me: Good point.
As my son picked through his Halloween candy, he asked, "When can we go get a Christmas tree?"— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 1, 2016
Have kids. It's fun.
If the Dad Olympics had an event for styling a 3yo girl's hair while she runs across the room screaming, I'd like my chances to get a medal.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) November 1, 2016
A Mom Club with the motto: "We're sick of having so much responsibility around the house--but, also, you're doing that wrong."— Jennifer White (@yenniwhite) November 3, 2016
My teen sent my call directly to voicemail on the phone she used to have.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) November 1, 2016
My wife and daughter have been out of town this week and I've never felt more productive. I've successfully binged watched ALL of Netflix.— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) October 28, 2016