Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Can you even call yourself a parent if the floor of your minivan isn't littered with dried out McDonald's french fries?— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) November 28, 2016
The hunger games, but it's my kids racing to get the piece of chocolate from the advent calendar.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 1, 2016
If you like watching smaller versions of yourself point and laugh while you writhe in pain on the ground, then parenting may be for you.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 29, 2016
Elf on a Shelf is a fun and festive way to brag to other moms on Facebook how creative you are and how much extra time you have.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 1, 2016
"BOYS! ITS NOT THAT KIND OF 'NUTCRACKER' NOW PUT IT BACK!"— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) December 1, 2016
-Things I shouldn't have to yell, holidays edition.
Toddler: I want to do it myself.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 1, 2016
Also toddler: But you better be watching me non-stop, commenting, & let me sit on top of you while I do it
Let's get married & have kids so instead of just going back to work after a holiday we can also find a week old sandwich in a kid's lunchbox— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2016
Was woken up at 6:02am by two kids scream-singing "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town", in case you're wondering how fun holiday parenting is.— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 28, 2016
If clearing puzzle pieces, doll shoes and an Easter basket off the table so you can set it for dinner makes sense, you too have a toddler.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) November 30, 2016
Pro Tip: Never take a toddler into a toy store zone without an exit strategy. It will take you years and millions of dollars to get out.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 30, 2016
Decorating the house with Christmas carols on full blast so my neighbors can't hear me yelling at my kids to "GET OFF YOUR PHONES AND HELP."— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) November 28, 2016
Me: I read a story today about why we should buy fewer presents at Christmas & do more things together instead.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) November 28, 2016
4yo: I'm glad I can't read.
Sometimes the hardest part of being a parent is telling your child they have the wrong number when they text you they forgot their lunch.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) November 28, 2016
Whenever I want my kid to go to bed I just ask her to clean up her toys. Suddenly she can barely keep her eyes open....— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) December 2, 2016
And thus begins "keeping toddler from pulling ornaments off the tree" season.— Mike Spohr (@newbornidentity) November 30, 2016
Want to be a parent? Things you will argue over:— Beau Coffron (@lunchboxdad) December 2, 2016
How necessary is a shower?
Whether grocery stores are clothing optional.
Storage is full and I'm having to make some tough choices about how many pictures of my kid cuddling the cat is too many.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) December 1, 2016
I hope you didn't have big plans for Christmas, because my toddler just touched the elf and now "CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!"— Close to Classy (@closetoclassy) November 29, 2016
Stomach flu is the new water bottle flip. All the kids are doing it.— Whit Honea (@whithonea) November 30, 2016
Nobody needs a Fitbit to count 10,000 steps all they need is a couple kids who want breakfast.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) December 1, 2016
How to Decorate a Christmas Tree with Kids:— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 30, 2016
1. Unpack ornament
2. Drop repeatedly until it shatters into a million pieces
Parents are at their most optimistic when predicting what time they'll arrive places.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) December 1, 2016
Kids want to decorate Christmas cookies & I'm like, would you guys settle for squirting ketchup & BBQ sauce on McDonald's chicken nuggets?— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) November 30, 2016