Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: I don't know why my kids are so competitive!— Meredith (@PerfectPending) December 7, 2016
Also me: Hey kids, Let's turn everything into a race so you'll do it faster.
4-year-old: *makes a toy car do flips*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 8, 2016
Me: Real cars don't do that.
4: They will for me.
I'll let my wife teach her to drive.
Hey thanks for mailing me a hard copy of your family Christmas photo that you already posted on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) December 6, 2016
My love for my kids is infinite.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) December 7, 2016
My patience, energy, time, cash, and coffee supply are not.
Every parent ever
6yo: I don't like being by myself!— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) December 8, 2016
Me: I do.
6yo: When were you alone?
M: The last time was about six years ago.
*stares son down*
My kids got off to school this morning without crying so it looks like I got my Christmas miracle a little early.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) December 6, 2016
Isn't dealing with kids in the morning impossible enough without adding a treasure hunt for an Elf doll?— Charlie N Andy (@HowToBeADad) December 8, 2016
Parenthood for $800.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) December 9, 2016
Alex: The answer is EVERY DAY.
Me: What is "How often do my kids break things?"
A: That is correct!
Crowd goes wild.
1st child goals: all food is homemade, do several Mommy and Me classes, hover so she doesn't get hurt— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) December 5, 2016
2nd: get most of lint off fruit snack
When I was a kid I would never have believed how much parenting in 2016 involves finding missing iPad chargers.— Mamatoga (@Mamatoga) December 6, 2016
Just once, I want to wake up with the same sense of renewed optimism my 5yo has as he requests candy for breakfast for the 25th day in a row— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) December 6, 2016
I love that cute married thing we do where we can't wait until he gets home from work & I put kids to bed so we can talk about work & kids.— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) December 6, 2016
I've reached the point in parenting where I look forward to going to the dentist as if it's a spa day.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) December 9, 2016
My kids tried to teach me how to play Pokémon. As far as I can tell the rules are there are no rules and I'm always supposed to lose.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) December 8, 2016
Get one of those pre-lit trees where you can change the color of the lights, so your kids can have more festive arguments this Christmas.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) December 5, 2016
When my kid's being a total Cranky McCrankyface I've streamlined my response to a flat stare and saying "Christmas. Presents."— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) December 9, 2016
My toddler realized I keep my feminine products hidden & assumed they must be treasure.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) December 8, 2016
She's been guarding a box of tampons all night.
I had a dream last night that I found a bunch of my sons' missing left socks in case you wanted to know what living on the edge feels like.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) December 8, 2016
When I feel really daring, I play a scarier version of Russian Roulette where I try to put away my kids' laundry while they're sleeping.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) December 6, 2016
Kiddo's sick, so she's sleeping with mommy. That means baby girl's with me.— ❄Jacques Frost❄ (@jnyemb) December 8, 2016
How can someone so small kick so hard? And take up a whole bed?
4- *hysterical screaming* HELP I NEED HELP MOM!— Court (@Discourt) December 8, 2016
*run frantically to kitchen*
Me- WHATS WRONG!
4- My banana opened funny.