Funniest Parenting Tweets: What Moms And Dads Said On Twitter This Week

Imagine having kids...

Wrong, you don't have time to imagine anymore.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) September 18, 2014

Toddlers are great at whispering if whispering means talking as quietly as they shout.

— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) September 23, 2014

Before I had kids, I didn't even know it was possible to destroy an entire house with a granola bar.

— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 3, 2014

90% of being the parent of a toddler is spent in the bathroom while she sits on the toilet singing.

— Court (@Discourt) October 3, 2014

For someone who tried to put his shirt on through the arm hole this morning, the 2yo sure bosses me around a lot.

— Paige Kellerman (@PaigeKellerman) September 27, 2014

Wait, what's the word for when you feel morally superior to everyone all the time? Oh right, I remember, it's two... as in years old.

— carly kimmel (@carlykimmel) October 3, 2014

Explaining the importance of Fantasy Football to a 3yo is about as effective as a 3yo explaining the importance of, well, anything.

— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) October 5, 2014

I should have just named my son DON'T TOUCH THAT.

— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) October 4, 2014

People who claim that the most beautiful thing to watch is sleeping children have never watched anyone wash their dishes.

— BadParentingMoments (@BPMbadassmama) October 3, 2014

My son asked what marriage is like so I answered, "It's fine" and then gave him the silent treatment for three days.

— Carly Danger (@carlyken) September 30, 2014

Why is there a harmonica in my house? More importantly, how can I distract six-year-old long enough to "accidentally" break it?

— Jennifer Weiner (@jenniferweiner) September 28, 2014

If you've ever given a kid a kazoo as a gift or party favor just know that that kid's parents hate you.

— Bizarro Mark (@Bizarro_Mark) October 3, 2014

Things my kids haven't fought about today:

1)

2)

3)

— That's Parenting (@ThatsParenting) September 27, 2014

Just saw a cement mixer truck on the street and got excited.

THIS IS WHAT FATHERHOOD HAS DONE TO ME!

— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) October 3, 2014

Parenting is stressful because when kids are loud, they're annoying and when they're quiet, they might be about to lose a limb or eyeball.

— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) October 1, 2014

WANTED:

Babysitter. Preferably right this second.

— John Willey (@DaddysinCharge) October 4, 2014

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 28, 2014

I'm never more productive than in the time between when I hear my kid wake up from his nap and when I actually take him out of the crib.

— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) October 4, 2014

Pro tip: If one of my kids says "close your eyes and open your mouth", you should never, ever do it.

— Julianna Miner (@mommylandrants) October 5, 2014

Comparing pet ownership to parenting is like saying ownership of a cat is like lion taming.

— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 3, 2014

Parents should always tell the truth to their children. Except when children ask how many Indiana Jones movies there are. Then you say: "3."

— Jen Myers (@antiheroine) October 3, 2014

Do you like toys? Then McDonald's is the only choice!

- my 4yo trying to convince his brother where we should go for dinner

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 3, 2014

My 9 year old couldn't even take school pictures once she learned there was no valencia filter

— FistFullOfMcMuffins (@Matt_The_1st) September 26, 2014

I'm officially the mother of a teenager today. Maybe don't read my tweets for the next 5 years.

— Wendi Aarons (@WendiAarons) October 4, 2014

My kids and I just cured the handyman of ever wanting to get married and have children so I'm feeling very accomplished.

— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 2, 2014

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) October 2, 2014