Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Never was there a woman so sought after as a mother talking on the phone OHMYGOD I'LL ANSWER YOUR 37 QUESTIONS WHEN I'M OFF GET AWAY FROM ME— CrazyExhaustion (@CrazyExhaustion) January 5, 2017
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 4, 2017
Oh, we're running urgently late & need to get out the door now? Here's a meandering, plot-free, 15-minute story.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 5, 2017
Dinner is ready!!— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 6, 2017
- How I gather my children around me to hear them complain about what I cook.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 1000 times, welcome to parenthood.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) January 4, 2017
Nothing in my wedding vows prepared me for how much of our lives we would spend talking about the size and shape of our kids' poop.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 3, 2017
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you!"— Midlife Dish (@MidlifeDish) January 5, 2017
*Biggest lie parents tell kids
"And I mean it."
*Biggest lie parents tell themselves
Things my 4-year-old lost this morning:— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 6, 2017
1) her toothbrush
2) her shoes
3) her backpack for preschool
Things I lost:
1) my sanity
Being a parent means never having to ask "How did ketchup get up there?"— Brenna Jennings (@SuburbanSnaps) January 5, 2017
I bet I could eliminate 50% of the tantrums in my house if I just started referring to dinner as "snack time."— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 4, 2017
And then one day he broke down and screamed at the heavens:— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 4, 2017
"WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS SO MANY CHILDREN'S SOCKS ON THE FLOOR?!?"
You know at the end of the day when you can FEEL yourself morphing into the exhausted mom from a stock photo?— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) January 6, 2017
78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don't notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.— Blue Moon (@Bluestmoon_) January 5, 2017
Happy New Year, parents! I know you're well-rested because you drank two glasses of wine and went to bed at 10:30pm last night.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) January 1, 2017
I can only assume my hopes and dreams are buried underneath the pile of laundry that never leaves the couch.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) January 4, 2017
Ok, I'll come to your "party" and buy some stuff I don't want, but it's only because as a mom, this is as close to me-time as I get.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 4, 2017
Damn. Kid's vitamins are expensive! Fortunately I can make a single bottle last three years by never remembering to give my kids vitamins.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 5, 2017