Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Typical morning of a parent:— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 12, 2017
Tell kid to get dressed for the 10th time.
Get in the car.
Grocery shopping with kids is just saying "put that back!" every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 13, 2017
Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 12, 2017
Me for real: YOU'RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT
I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up. They won't do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few.— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 9, 2017
Let's get married and have kids so instead of joining in on the hottest new Netflix show we can delete 100 Paw Patrol episodes from our DVR.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2017
Kids back in school today so I apologize to neighbors who saw me dance naked in my house singing "It's the most wonderful time of the year!"— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 9, 2017
My MIL watched the kids. Internet was out, so she folded 4 baskets of laundry— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 8, 2017
I think the internet will now be out every time she babysits
It's like my boys don't even appreciate having a cool mom who belts out all their favorite Taylor Swift songs in the school drop off line.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 12, 2017
Can someone explain to me why my 5-year-old son can't hold any kind of object for more than 45 seconds without throwing it?— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) January 11, 2017
Co-worker: you have food on your shirt.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) January 12, 2017
Me: I have a kid, it's okay.
Co-worker: it's like a lot of food.
Me: two of them. I have two kids.
Have kids so you can ask important questions like "Did you just lick the lamp?" and "Why are you sticky?" and "Why is the lamp sticky?"— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 12, 2017
6-year-old: This is the best blanket fort I've ever built!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017
Me: There's no room for your sisters.
6: I know!
At toddler's Dr: *Stumbles over her birthdate. Flat out doesn't know her SSN*— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 12, 2017
*On the way home sings every word to an 80s song*
My 5yo and I are evil laughing because everyone went to work and school and we went back to bed.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 10, 2017
Whenever one of my kids is in trouble with me, his brothers automatically become his court-appointed defense attorney.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) January 12, 2017
A dog year is equal to 7 people years just as a parent year is equal to 7 non-parent years.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 12, 2017
90% of parenting is trying to determine if your kids' feelings are genuine or just them trying to manipulate the crap out of you again.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 12, 2017
"You look super full. I'm gonna go ahead and jump on your belly." ~ Toddlers— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2017
School registration survey asked if my daughter is: shy, outgoing, stubborn, independent, unsure, excitable.— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) January 12, 2017
I just circled all the above.
This cacophony of singing toys with songs distorted by half-dead batteries is just a little too real right now.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) January 13, 2017
There's a point in a parent's life when they must accept that they'll never keep a clean house. I've hit that point stepping on some legos.— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 9, 2017