The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week

Typical morning of a parent:

Get coffee.
Tell kid to get dressed for the 10th time.
Reheat coffee.
Get in the car.
Forget coffee.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 12, 2017

Grocery shopping with kids is just saying "put that back!" every 30 seconds until everyone is crying.

— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) January 13, 2017

Me on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much

Me for real: YOU'RE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO IT

— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 12, 2017

I highly suggest you tell your kids to help clean up. They won't do it, but they will disappear and leave you the hell alone for a few.

— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) January 9, 2017

Let's get married and have kids so instead of joining in on the hottest new Netflix show we can delete 100 Paw Patrol episodes from our DVR.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 13, 2017

Kids back in school today so I apologize to neighbors who saw me dance naked in my house singing "It's the most wonderful time of the year!"

— Danielle Herzog (@martinisandmini) January 9, 2017

My MIL watched the kids. Internet was out, so she folded 4 baskets of laundry

I think the internet will now be out every time she babysits

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 8, 2017

When your spouse suggests that you both take the kids sledding in 9 degree weather because "it'll be fun!" pic.twitter.com/UoczLYB2kG

— Six Pack Mom (@Six_Pack_Mom) January 8, 2017

It's like my boys don't even appreciate having a cool mom who belts out all their favorite Taylor Swift songs in the school drop off line.

— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 12, 2017

Can someone explain to me why my 5-year-old son can't hold any kind of object for more than 45 seconds without throwing it?

— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) January 11, 2017

Co-worker: you have food on your shirt.
Me: I have a kid, it's okay.
Co-worker: it's like a lot of food.
Me: two of them. I have two kids.

— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) January 12, 2017

Have kids so you can ask important questions like "Did you just lick the lamp?" and "Why are you sticky?" and "Why is the lamp sticky?"

— Wendy S. (@maughammom) January 12, 2017

6-year-old: This is the best blanket fort I've ever built!

Me: There's no room for your sisters.

6: I know!

— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 8, 2017

At toddler's Dr: *Stumbles over her birthdate. Flat out doesn't know her SSN*

*On the way home sings every word to an 80s song*

-Mom Brain

— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 12, 2017

My 5yo and I are evil laughing because everyone went to work and school and we went back to bed.

— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 10, 2017

Whenever one of my kids is in trouble with me, his brothers automatically become his court-appointed defense attorney.

— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) January 12, 2017

A dog year is equal to 7 people years just as a parent year is equal to 7 non-parent years.

It's science.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 12, 2017

90% of parenting is trying to determine if your kids' feelings are genuine or just them trying to manipulate the crap out of you again.

— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) January 12, 2017

"You look super full. I'm gonna go ahead and jump on your belly." ~ Toddlers

— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) January 13, 2017

School registration survey asked if my daughter is: shy, outgoing, stubborn, independent, unsure, excitable.

I just circled all the above.

— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) January 12, 2017

This cacophony of singing toys with songs distorted by half-dead batteries is just a little too real right now.

— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) January 13, 2017

There's a point in a parent's life when they must accept that they'll never keep a clean house. I've hit that point stepping on some legos.

— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 9, 2017