Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I've never been serenaded, but I have been followed through the house by someone reading me "another funny thing" from Diary of a Wimpy Kid.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) January 25, 2017
My 6 year old's superpower is knowing he doesn't like what we're having for dinner 2 hours before I've even decided what I'm making.— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) January 25, 2017
The thing I'll miss most about the circus is the look on the faces of first time dads when they find out popcorn is $16.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 23, 2017
How many grown-ups does it take to brush a toddler's teeth?— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 24, 2017
Apparently more than 2.
At least 20% of parenting is just peeling stickers off of things.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) January 24, 2017
2 yo has been crying for 20 minutes because she misses her booger. In case you wondered what motherhood is like.— Stephanie Rodham (@StephDsays) January 24, 2017
I told my kids we needed to leave 10 minutes early but then my son HAD to zip his own jacket.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 24, 2017
We're 20 minutes late now.
Not to brag, but I only have to take 137 pictures of my 7yos to get one where they are both smiling.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) January 24, 2017
Nice try, irritating hold music, but I have children; so, my tolerance for listening to annoying noise is pretty high.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 23, 2017
A professional cheerleading routine but it's just me helping my 3yo poop.— Missy (@MamaFizzles) January 25, 2017
Me: *singing* The itsy bitsy spider-— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 27, 2017
2-year-old: Smash! Smash! Smash!
She gets it.
7yo: HEY MOMMA WHAT'S THIS TOY IN YOUR DRAWER THAT HAS LIKE, A PURPLE CLAW— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) January 27, 2017
Me: OMG GET THE HELL OUT OF MY NIGHTSTAND
"It's five o'clock somewhere" is a phrase that was created by a parent who was assisting with homework.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) January 25, 2017
Want to know fear?— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) January 25, 2017
Randomly feeling your toddler smear something wet on your exposed arm...Then running away.
4: is it worse to swear or to break everything in our house?— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) January 27, 2017
Me: break everything.
4: *turns to sister* told you swearing was fine.
Writing a love poem called "I Want to Marry You and Have Your Kids So They Can Sneeze in Our Faces and We Can Take His and Hers NyQuil."— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 24, 2017
This plane is nowhere near ready to land, but I'm traveling with a toddler, so we began our descent a long time ago.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) January 24, 2017
If you are wondering why there are fireworks over our house: it's because our child actually consented to eat yogurt.— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 26, 2017
I thought I said "Get dressed quickly please." Apparently they thought I said "Hit each other until someone is crying."— Diane Huntington (@idtweetforever) January 27, 2017
My 14 yo and her bf broke up. Her only comment: "I just wish it'd happened before he ate our whole pizza."— Stella G. Maddox (@StellaGMaddox) January 27, 2017