Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Motherhood is counting jam as a fruit serving.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) February 6, 2017
I tell people I'm a SAHM, but really I'm more like a wild animal trainer.— Missy (@MamaFizzles) February 6, 2017
*Jessie's Girl plays on the car radio— Minivan (@my_minivan_life) February 9, 2017
12yo: Dad this song sucks.
*Brakes screech,car skids to a halt, I kick open the car door. "Get out!"
My husband got up with the kids this morning and I slept in until 9:30. This is why people have vow renewals isn't it?— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) February 5, 2017
Did you ever think you'd be happy because you're only running 15 minutes late?— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 9, 2017
75% of parenting is getting used to saying the words pee pee, potty and poopy. And 25% is getting used to never doing those things alone.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 10, 2017
My 7yo said "Yay!!" when I gave him dinner tonight, so yes, the apocalypse is nigh.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) February 9, 2017
Ways to deal with kids fighting in your car:— Cray at Home Ma (@cray_at_home_ma) February 6, 2017
A. Ask them to stop
C. Turn up the music really loud
D. Jump out of your moving vehicle
The longer you're a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they're pregnant.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) February 6, 2017
4-year-old: I don't have anything to wear.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 8, 2017
Me: You have an entire closet full of clothes.
4: I don't have any capes.
Prek kid 1: I used to be a baby!— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) February 8, 2017
Me: Oh yeah? So did I!
Prek kid 2: Not me!
Me: Well what did you start out as?
Prek kid 2: THUNDER!
KIDDO: I love this burger, especially since I helped you make it. It's special.— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) February 5, 2017
ME: [tears] Flattery will get you everywhere my child.
Toddlers love surprise birthday parties. My toddler surprises me with the news it's his birthday several times a week.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 8, 2017
Before becoming a parent, I never realized I could ruin someone's day by doing a piss-poor firetruck impersonation.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) February 8, 2017
Valentine's Day stokes the fire of passion.— MakeAmericaMEHAgain (@TheAlexNevil) February 9, 2017
Seeing your kid bouncing off the walls from candy hearts pours ice water on it.
The difference between trash and kid's crafts are that crafts have glitter and need to be hoarded for a month before you can throw them away— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) February 8, 2017
[Pulls into school pickup 30 minutes early]— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 8, 2017
HAHA Look at these two losers already in line.
My youngest kid is 13.— Steve Olivas (@steveolivas) February 8, 2017
I'm hoping to lose my baby weight pretty soon.