Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Does anyone know where I can buy one of those cute little family member stickers for my car with a mom crying?— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) February 16, 2017
The great thing about having older kids is they can actually help you with all the things you need to do because of them… wait a minute.— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) February 16, 2017
Parenthood means not flinching when someone sneezes directly on your head.— dadpression (@Dadpression) February 16, 2017
As sure as the river leads to the sea, my mother will never put a lid on a sippy cup properly.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) February 13, 2017
TV show pitch:— Fowl Language Comics (@fowlcomics) February 15, 2017
Jack Bauer is the dad of small children and has to use the 21 minute length of his kid's tv shows to get anything done.
6yo: Why do the cats keep pushing the door open when I'm using the bathroom??— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 16, 2017
Me: They're preparing you for motherhood.
I'm eating me dinner all alone while my husband is putting the kids to bed.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) February 15, 2017
Who says the romance dies after 15 years?
Anyone who thinks Pop Tarts aren't a food group clearly has no kids.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) February 13, 2017
When you realize you forgot your kid's school project and you have to get it and come back again pic.twitter.com/XyKElD5nsh— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) February 13, 2017
I am in no way equipped to be a person who tells another smaller person they can't have cheetohs for breakfast.— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) February 15, 2017
It's cute how I continue to take my kids to the mall expecting to do anything other than ride up and down the escalators.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) February 16, 2017
For Valentine's Day, I gave my wife and daughters candy.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 14, 2017
They gave me the flu.
I still acted like I loved it.
My daughter can't eat an apple without first acting out the evil witch scene from Snow White. 🍎 #disneykids— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) February 16, 2017
My toddler locked himself in his room. So we both win.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) February 16, 2017
5YO: "I've been on this timeout for hours. Look it up. Check Google."— Jan Moyer (@moyermama) February 16, 2017
Book title, "Parenting a Strong-willed Child"— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) February 16, 2017
Loosely translated, "So You've got Yourself a Little Asshole"
My valentine plans this year mostly just involve shuttling my son to soccer practice.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) February 13, 2017
Before bedtime: JESUS CHRIST THESE KIDS NEED TO GO TO SLEEP— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) February 17, 2017
1 hour later: [scrolling thru pics of the kids on my phone] awww I miss them
7yo: "Does our Netflix have to be called 'The Boys' or can we change it?"— ReasonsMySonIsCrying (@ReasonsMySonCry) February 15, 2017
Me: "You can call it whatever you want."
5yo and 7yo: pic.twitter.com/aIbbF7MjQt
6 just calmed himself down with a self-led meditation session. Helpful until 4 started acting up and I heard "4's getting me unmeditated!"— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) February 17, 2017
Me to son: I wasn't in popular group in school.— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) February 16, 2017
Son: That doesn't surprise me.