Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Well, you're up early.
— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) March 27, 2017
-Me, greeting my children every morning since they were born
"I'm Uranus, I'm on fire. It's your desire."
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) March 29, 2017
-my 7yo's rendition of "Venus"
Making breakfast for a child:
— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) March 29, 2017
Step 1: take order.
Step 2: make whatever you want because they're going to hate it & you'll end up eating it.
Kids need to come with a warning label that says: If you can read this you're too close to the wild animals.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 29, 2017
You haven't truly known panic until you let a 2 year old squeeze her own toothpaste.
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 29, 2017
If your child gives you the silent treatment, that's called a parenting win.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 28, 2017
If you've never attempted to lock yourself in a closet, you probably don't have kids.
— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) March 26, 2017
Invite a pack of wild dogs into your house.
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) March 30, 2017
Feed them angel hair pasta.
This is what having children is like.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 28, 2017
How do you spell regret?
— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) March 28, 2017
P L A Y- D O H
I'm guessing that the people who think they know EVERYTHING are also the ones who haven't had kids yet.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) March 26, 2017
A year ago today my son tried to order "the penguin" off this menu. pic.twitter.com/U1Js9ZePwO
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) March 27, 2017
My toddler wanted to have an argument about who pooped in the diaper she was wearing.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) March 27, 2017
And it was the least crazy thing she did all day.
Parenting is great if you like being woken up on a weekend morning to plunge a clogged toilet.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) March 26, 2017
"How many times do cats blink in a day?" and other urgent questions your child HAS to know the answer to at bedtime.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 28, 2017
Show me a parent who says they haven’t been curious if their baby is a genius at least once and I'll show you a liar.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 28, 2017
Just had an argument with 4yo about whether or not she can have a snack while on the toilet, in case you were wondering what kids are like.
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 27, 2017
I'm truly looking forward to the day when I don't have to remind another human being to wash her hands after dropping a deuce.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) March 28, 2017
[Bucket Lists]
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 26, 2017
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon
2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I'm so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They're just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 29, 2017
Potty training is a great reminder as to why I didn’t become a motivational speaker.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) March 27, 2017
[cleaning pee off my 3yo and...everywhere]
— Dad's Take (@DadsTake) March 27, 2017
Me: I didn't sign-up for this.
Life: Yes, yes you did. This is exactly what you signed up for.
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