Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I gave my last piece of bacon to my son. He dropped it, and my dog ate it.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) April 4, 2017
This is officially the last time I ever share food with my son.
My house would be a lot cleaner if my family didn't live here.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) April 3, 2017
I wish I was a little bit taller— Meredith (@PerfectPending) April 3, 2017
I wish I was a baller
I wish I had a kid that would listen when I called her.
- if moms wrote rap music
I'm not sure what my kids did in this room, but based on the debris pattern I'd say they ritually sacrificed a chocolate doughnut.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2017
Sometimes I feel completely alone in this world.— JenniFerCryinOutLoud (@sip_at_home_mom) April 4, 2017
Other times, I can't stop to pee without a toddler coming in, and trying to brush my teeth.
Most of being a good parent is just trying to be an average parent despite being incredibly tired.— dadpression (@Dadpression) April 4, 2017
I've been married to my husband for a decade & never heard him order straight whiskey at dinner until our road trip with 3 kids.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) April 3, 2017
"Just once," she thought dejectedly, "I'd like to enjoy a shower where I'm not gazing at an old, moldy-looking bath toy."— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 5, 2017
BREAKING: Everything my kids touch.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 3, 2017
The last thing you want to hear from your 3-year-old when she's alone in the bathroom is "uh-oh."— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) April 6, 2017
DON'T EAT STICKS!— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) April 3, 2017
DID YOU PEE ON MY SHOE?
Hold still, I think that's a tick
"What are things I've said to both my toddler and my dog, Alex"
Wherever you are, wherever you go, remember, a baby is plotting to grab the sunglasses off your face.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 3, 2017
No parent's afraid of Pennywise the clown cuz we've been hardened by years of creepy kids silently standing at the end of our bed at 3am.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) April 3, 2017
My 6yo got herself dressed then walked around the house making us all sign a paper agreeing that her outfit looked good.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) April 7, 2017
My 5yo was told "no" by my partner. She came to me smiling & whispered "dad, want to pretend to be the boss of the house for a few minutes?"— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) April 3, 2017
1st child: you encourage creativity— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) April 2, 2017
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Took me 5 seconds to forget the name my kid just gave his stuffed animal.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) April 6, 2017
Which is impressive because he told it to me like 7 or 18 times.
Love it when the kids pick up 90s slang from me. My 5-year-old just told the baby to “chillax.”— Unremarkable Files (@ThatEvansLady) April 4, 2017
Just took out a small loan to outfit my kid for little league.— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) April 3, 2017