Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 30, 2017
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
*checks kid's backpack*— Tiffany Neal (@tiffanyaneal) May 3, 2017
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) May 1, 2017
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, "told ya."
Welcome to my home! No you're mistaken, it isn't a mess, it's just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.— Ash (@adult_mom) May 2, 2017
My son prayed that his fidget spinner would come a day early and it did so I guess we worship at the church of Prime.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) May 1, 2017
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) May 2, 2017
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac 'n' cheese
I've never been a zoo-keeper, but I can't imagine being the mother of small children is much different.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 5, 2017
The expression "do what I say not as I do," was probably coined by a parent eating ice cream before dinner in front of their kids.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 3, 2017
I thought I was patient, but I don't like who I become when I'm singing along to Bohemian Rhapsody's opera part & the kids try to interrupt.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 2, 2017
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) May 5, 2017
Nobody tells you how much you are going to say "uh huh" and "wow" when you become a parent.— Court (@Discourt) May 3, 2017
The best things in life are free. But everything else is really expensive. Especially kids.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) May 2, 2017
No thanks, escape rooms that have somehow become entertainment. Trying to escape my house without my husband & two kids is more than enough.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) May 3, 2017
If you think you're having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn't feel right.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 1, 2017
Welcome to parenting: sighing is your new breath.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) April 29, 2017
This— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 3, 2017
If you like to spend 100s of dollars every week on groceries but have nothing in your refrigerator, then raising teenagers might be for you.— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ(s)🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 1, 2017
Toddlers never have awkward silences, only nefarious silences.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) April 30, 2017
Eventually every parent reaches the it's a good thing they're so cute stage.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) May 2, 2017
My kid telling a story: Bends the space time continuum to make 2 minutes feel like 4 hours.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) May 4, 2017
I've had a mini panic attack every Saturday night since Easter that I was forgetting Mother's Day.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 30, 2017
I spend most of time trying to figure out a way to play with my kids without actually moving.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) May 3, 2017
Parenting tiny humans means they will consistently forget to wipe their own asses, but will never forget where the cookie jar is.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) May 1, 2017
Fidget spinners might be more effective if they had the power of a helicopter and could carry me away from all this.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 2, 2017
*eating my sons candy*— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 5, 2017
7yo: *unaware it's his* Can I have one?
7yo: Thanks best daddy ever!
Me: No prob