Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I haven't updated my wardrobe in a decade but I just bought clothes for my 5yo's doll.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) May 30, 2017
This is motherhood.
Now what?— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 2, 2017
-Kids on the 4th day of summer break
As a parent, you learn to accept you can't run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.— Life UnPinteresting (@LifeUnPinterest) May 30, 2017
Autocorrect changed my "congrats on the new baby" text from "new addition" to "new asshole" and, yeah, I chose not to change it back, OK?— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) June 1, 2017
The sound of my toddler snoring in my ear every night is my blessing and my curse.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) June 1, 2017
I wish I'd known before I had a kid that 99 percent of parenting would be waiting in the car.— Sarah del Rio (@establish1975) May 31, 2017
As a parent, it's an amazing feeling knowing you can pass on the lifetime of knowledge that...hang on CHEW THAT BITE BEFORE YOU TAKE ANOTHER— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) May 30, 2017
Kids are cool because they're like small super heroes whose power is shouting "I'M STILL NOT TIRED!!!" two hours after bedtime.— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) June 1, 2017
2-year-old: *frantically points at the pig*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 1, 2017
Me: What's wrong?
2: *intense whisper* SHE'S NAKED.
Don't get me wrong, I love my 3-year-old. It's just that sometimes I'm pretty sure he needs an exorcism.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) May 30, 2017
I keep Band-Aids on a shelf my kids can't reach like a pharmacist keeping Sudafed behind the counter.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) June 1, 2017
Me: Wow! I got home early today! Nice!— Momma of Midgard (@MidgardMomma) May 30, 2017
*looks around, realizes I forgot to pick up a kid from school
🎶You don't judge me cuz if you did, baby, I would judge you too🎶— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) June 1, 2017
-me to my 2yo as we hang out in pajamas and eat chocolate pudding all day.
There's nothing like looking, unblinking, into your child's eyes, and hearing them whisper for the 1st time "I hate you more than the cat."— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) June 1, 2017
You will never realize your full potential for speed and agility until the day you see your toddler holding a Sharpie marker— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) May 30, 2017
I wish I’d known how much of parenting was having little people scream at me for giving them exactly what they wanted.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) May 31, 2017
*Sees kid next to me on airplane watching Paw Patrol— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 30, 2017
Me: OH MY GOD, WHAT EPISODE IS IT? CAN I WATCH TOO?!?
If you like getting cereal out of the cupboard only to find someone put it back empty, kids are totally for you.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 31, 2017
*nature documentary— My Meh Will Go On (@TheAlexNevil) June 1, 2017
"Wild and untamed, the child cries out for the ubiquitous fidget spinner, yet still its parents won't buy one"
Yelp, but just my 4yo reviewing floors under restaurant tables.— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 30, 2017
Effective way to keep your kids from saying "I'm hungry" every 10 minutes when they're bored is to send them outside and lock all the doors.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) May 31, 2017
The 5 y.o. learned to read; it's bittersweet. While seeing her master a skill is sweet, I'm bitter that she can now tell when I skip pages.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) May 31, 2017
Not to brag, but my kids love kale, so basically my parenting work is done.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) May 30, 2017
Wonder Woman, but it's just me, getting my kids to school on time.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) May 30, 2017
My toddler just told me I'm driving him nuts. So it seems we've come full circle.— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) May 30, 2017
It's summer & I can't get the neighbors' kids out of my house, so I told them a black widow is hiding & I haven't seen them since Saturday.— jj hartinger (@jjhartinger) May 30, 2017
Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 1, 2017