Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me expecting my 1st baby: I'll love him and guide him and always be there— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 9, 2017
Me now: JUST FIGURE IT OUT I MEAN C'MON GUYS JEEZ I JUST SAT DOWN
If my kids could just do what I say & stop complaining about every single thing, I could be the parent I always wanted to be.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 11, 2017
I've reached the stage of parenthood where jeans are my fancy pants.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) July 8, 2017
"I have no one to play with."— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) July 14, 2017
- kids with siblings
We all start out wanting the best for our kids, and end up giving them whatever the hell will shut them up.— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) July 12, 2017
I wish I loved anything as much as my kids love to fight over whose turn it is to push the elevator button.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 12, 2017
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I'm wrong, everyone's day is ruined.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) July 9, 2017
Why be miserable by ourselves when we can be miserable together?— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 10, 2017
-how playdates became a thing
Cargo pants are basically just dad leg purses.— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 7, 2017
"The children are our future," I whisper, as I break up a fight about poop.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) July 10, 2017
Any time a mom asks online where she can donate her kids stuffed animals to, I want to reply "the garbage can"— The Next Martha (@TheNextMartha) July 10, 2017
It would appear all the kids from the neighborhood are in my home and find it best to communicate by screaming. Send help.— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) July 11, 2017
The pool is a fun place to watch your kids fight about inflatable toys instead of their regular toys.— Meredith (@PerfectPending) July 8, 2017
Kid: *shaking me awake* Mom can I have a cookie?— TheBabyLady (@thebabylady7) July 10, 2017
Me: I WAS NAPPING
Kid: Fine, I'll just go ask dad, he's in the kitchen anyway.
When I got my toddler out of bed, she gave me a big hug to show how much she loves me.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 10, 2017
She hit me with a shoe.
8y.o: "I love animals!"— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 10, 2017
11: "We're eating animal! But this animal tastes so good fried in breadcrumbs."
-Why we can't have dinner guests.
I was doing dishes tonight & my 3yo said, "Wine. Mommy need wine."— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 10, 2017
So now she's my favorite.
My 9YO can completely dismantle a house during a 30 min conference call.— she's unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) July 13, 2017
5: my friend's dad can lift her over his head.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) July 7, 2017
Me: did you tell them I can too?
5: no, but I told them you are good at swearing in the car.
Funny how bossy my toddler is for somebody who just hurt herself eating an animal cracker.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 8, 2017
5: How come we never do anything fun?— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 13, 2017
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I'm not awake enough to explain to my 5yo that "Menopause" is NOT the name of a Pokémon.— Lea Grover (@bcmgsupermommy) July 12, 2017
Kids' Olympics. Events include Crumb Toss, Bathroom Pee Splash, Short Nap. For opening ceremony kids just scream and drip popsicle all over.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 10, 2017
Some kid at the pool: wanna see me do something cool?— DaddyJew (@DaddyJew) July 13, 2017
Me: I don't even want to see my own kid do something cool
I'd like to enter my 4-year-old into a weird-off contest. I'm pretty positive he'd win.— Jennifer Borget (@JenniferBorget) July 9, 2017