Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
"I'm so bored. There's nothing to do." my son says as he longingly stares out the back window at our playground, trampoline and bicycles.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 19, 2017
Kids are great if you like being asked at 6am why doesn't Moana get sand on her feet when she walks on the seafloor after the ocean splits.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 20, 2017
The 4 yr old is wandering the house in a life jacket, crying b/c it's clipped. He also cried when I unclipped it.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) July 18, 2017
We don't even own a boat.
For a guy who spent his whole adult life without hair, I'm in awe by how my life is ruled by hair due to raising two tiny female humans.— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 18, 2017
My 3-year-old is lashing out at the entire family because he can't have ice cream for dinner, so yeah, I guess he's mine.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) July 19, 2017
Pretty amazing how many things my toddler has dropped on my face in her short time on earth.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 21, 2017
7YR OLD: daddy, what does "despacito" mean?— Andy H. (@AndyAsAdjective) July 16, 2017
Me: your mom & I are going on a date.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) July 19, 2017
5: with us?
5: ooh, grownup stuff. Enjoy beer, lip kissing & going to the bathroom without me.
Grocery shopping:— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) July 17, 2017
Also known as "don't ask for nothing, don't touch nothing, you ain't getting nothing"
Parenting commercial:— dadpression (@Dadpression) July 20, 2017
"We’ve replaced their fun with exhaustion and an ever-present sense of impending disaster. Let’s see if they notice."
Science says humans can go weeks without food and yet my kids can't get buckled up in the car before asking for snacks.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) July 16, 2017
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) July 18, 2017
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn't!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Chocolate cake. Oh, fruit snacks! Chocolate milk. Oh, juice boxes! Mac and cheese. Cheese! Oh, Goldfish!— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) July 16, 2017
-If my kids wrote a grocery list.
5yo: "How late is it?"— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) July 17, 2017
Me: "It's Mommy should be watching Game Of Thrones by now o' clock."
Hell hath no fury like a mother trying to put "socks that don't feel right" on a child with sweaty feet in the summer.— Mommy, for real. (@MommyisForReal) July 19, 2017
Oh, your kids are at math camp this week? Mine are staging their own Hunger Games in the backyard using wiffle ball bats and spatulas.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) July 18, 2017
People without kids have mornings, afternoons & nights.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 21, 2017
People with kids only know bedtimes, past bedtimes & in need of naps.
In her free time between snacks, my 4yo enjoys turning on lights and opening cupboard doors.— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) July 20, 2017
8yo: Daddy, how do banks make money?— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 21, 2017
Me: Can we just assume you'll get bored after I talk for 5 seconds and skip that question?
My kids have been working magnificently together all summer on a big group project called "Destroying My Whole Damn House."— Ash (@adult_mom) July 20, 2017
"There's nothing worse than Legos all over the floor," I said before slipping on a marble.— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) July 20, 2017