Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
I love my kids but I also love reminding them how many more days until school starts.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) July 25, 2017
If you enjoy sipping your morning coffee while being listening to a nonstop harmonica solo, then having kids is right for you.— Mike Cruse (@PapaPreaches) July 26, 2017
Let's get married & have kids so they can pick some animated garbage for movie night & you can look at memes on your phone while I doze off.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 23, 2017
The night is dark and full of terrible sleepers.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) July 24, 2017
THE MALL— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) July 27, 2017
Quarter Rides: $5
The look on their faces when they get new Build-A-Bears: Pricele- lol I'm kidding it's $84
Congratulations on your baby! For the next 20 years you'll have no idea where any of your scissors are.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) July 28, 2017
Most of being a parent is needing to just sit down FOR TWO MINUTES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD before someone needs a snack or poops again.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) July 26, 2017
[only have 1 frozen pizza when we need 2]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) July 27, 2017
5-year-old: It's enough for me.
Me: What about everybody else?
5: They can watch.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I'll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.— Burning Mom (@MomOnFire) July 26, 2017
I love putting the kids to bed early so I can have a whole extra hour (maybe even two) of trying to get them to sleep.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) July 24, 2017
Me: I'm gonna take a shower.— SpacedMom (@copymama) July 23, 2017
Husband, raising eyebrows suggestively: Need any help?
Me: Yeah, keep the kids busy.
You have -4 min to cook. Your ingredients are:— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) July 25, 2017
An apple w/ 1 bite out of it
Chicken you didn't thaw
- Chopped: Moms Edition
Date night mostly consists of checking the time for when the kids should be in bed so we can go back home— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) July 26, 2017
When anyone buys my kids a kite, I assume it's their passive aggressive way of telling me I need to run more.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) July 22, 2017
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It's like you're a psychic or a wizard or something.— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) July 27, 2017
Me: The word you're looking for is "mother."
Apparently I was a really great mom until I accidentally put mustard on my son's sandwich.— Domestic Goddess (@DomesticGoddss) July 25, 2017
"Gambling" for parents is just financing your kid's orthodontia and hoping you pay it off before the interest-free promotional period ends.— Wendy S. (@maughammom) July 24, 2017
<sarcasm>Yes, tiny child, it should be obvious that I'd want to smell your hand after you used the bathroom. Why bother asking me?</sarcasm>— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) July 21, 2017
I don't want to brag about how exciting my life is.... but a tiny Batman is fighting an inflatable shark on my patio right now!— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) July 27, 2017
Please excuse the mess. My children are feral little animals and I've lost my will to give a shit.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) July 20, 2017
Some call it potty training but I’m pretty sure my kid is reviewing restaurant bathrooms for Yelp.— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother) July 27, 2017
My wife and I buy mostly organic foods for our son, so our kitchen garbage has the healthiest bags of uneaten food ever.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) July 28, 2017
We are back from the beach & I'd like to apologize to all vacationers as it would appear my kids brought back all the sand in their shoes.— Carbosly (@Carbosly) July 27, 2017