Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Marriage is mostly just sending each other memes while your kids destroy the house around you.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) August 6, 2017
Me: Good morning, I love yo-— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) August 9, 2017
Son: Can we go to Chuck E. Cheese today?
Me: ...Okay, time for bed
No one told me that 70% of parenting would be watching the same YouTube video over and over— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 10, 2017
My husband just told my kids to "go see what mama is doing" so we aren't on speaking terms right now.— And What a Mom! (@andwhatamom) August 7, 2017
Taking your kids to a restaurant is a great way to remember why you stopped taking your kids to restaurants.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) August 7, 2017
I just found out school starts a day sooner than I thought so this must be what walking on sunshine feels like.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) August 10, 2017
Let's just say I'm glad that a recorder doesn't actually record the words I use when I hear one unexpectedly being played in my house.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 9, 2017
My prospects for being cared for in old age are pretty grim, if the effort my kids make putting sunscreen on my back is any indicator.— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) August 8, 2017
Sometimes I screw up my own kid's name but I can name at least 5 dogs from Paw Patrol.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) August 9, 2017
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying drinks by the pool we can keep yelling at a toddler to stop drinking the pool water.— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) August 6, 2017
I see you're finally sitting down for the first time since dawn, time for an impromptu, 20-minute, out-of-tune harmonica concert.— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) August 10, 2017
This morning I started the coffee pot and forgot to add water. In case you're wondering how exhausting motherhood is.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) August 8, 2017
My cup ranneth empty.
Kid's 1st day Kindergarten -— Salty Mermaid (@Jenn_H_Scott) August 10, 2017
parent cries, so bittersweet
Kid's 1st day of Third Grade -
parent cries tears of joy because omg finally
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.— SpacedMom (@copymama) August 10, 2017
Non-parent: "There's no way anyone could be busier or more tired than I am right now."— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork) August 4, 2017
Me: "Hold my child."
House hunting as a parent means you say things like, We can't buy a house with a loft because our kids might throw each other over the side.— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) August 8, 2017
Sorry kid's birthday party activities on Pinterest, I'm planning to give them too much sugar and let the kids run wild.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) August 9, 2017
Refereeing between "He called me a buttface" & "He farted and pushed the stink toward me" so don't tell me motherhood isn't glamorous.— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) August 7, 2017
Nothing tests your love for your child as not dropping them as they surprisingly sneeze huge snot balls in your face... with your mouth open— Jacques Nyemb (@jnyemb) August 6, 2017
No GOT spoilers, I have 2 small kids and can only watch after they go to bed and it's going to take us like a year to catch up at this rate.— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) August 9, 2017
Reading a Paw Patrol story to my daughter about crown jewels at "Barkingberg". They should've used Barkingham Palace. Fuckin' amateurs.— Lady E (@LadyEdotMe) August 10, 2017