Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Kids don't have a volume knob, they have a volume roulette wheel.— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 3, 2017
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 1, 2017
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you're an 80's ghost or some shit
*me, at liquor store— Meh, Interrupted (@TheAlexNevil) October 3, 2017
“Hi. I have to attend three kids parties this weekend. What would you suggest?”
If you consider scream-swearing into the dark at 4 am handling motherhood with grace and tact, then it me.— ☠Mommy Cusses☠ (@mommy_cusses) September 30, 2017
If it’s Sunday night and you’re not just finding out about a school project due tomorrow are you really even a parent?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 1, 2017
One day my kids will ask me why we never went any place fun and I will tell them it’s because I spent all my time putting the throw pillows back on the couch.— 🎃MamaFizzles🎃 (@MamaFizzles) October 3, 2017
Having kids means you'll never be able to drive & sing along to your favorite song ever again.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 4, 2017
Welcome to parenthood.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 4, 2017
Everything you touch will be sticky.
13 out of 10 parents have difficulty helping their kids with Common Core math homework.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) October 2, 2017
2yo is passed out, clutching a fist full of fries. She's 100% mine.— Lilly (@misslillytoyou) October 4, 2017
[sees teacher from school at the store]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 30, 2017
7-year-old: They let you out?
New haunted house suggestion: the "child who got a nosebleed in the middle of the night" room. It was a straight up horror scene you guys.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) October 4, 2017
Me on the couch:....— MommieKnowsfresh (@MommieKnwsFresh) October 5, 2017
Me in the shower:.....
My family: “Can I have a snack?” “Have you seen the remote?” “Help!”
I asked around for tooth fairy rates and some of you people are rewarding your kids with lots of money for an inevitable bodily function.— SpacedMom (@copymama) September 30, 2017
Carving pumpkins is a good example of something that you loved as a kid only to grow up and realize that it totally sucks.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 1, 2017
5: I feel sick and my medicine is pumpkin spice.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) October 6, 2017
5: I don't know. I heard a teacher say it and it seemed to work.
I'm starting to think my daughter's "homework" every day is to just take the laptop from me when I finally sit down to use it.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 5, 2017
Friend: Are you dressing up for Halloween?— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 4, 2017
Me: That depends. Do you consider "Mom who has mostly given up" a scary costume?
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) September 30, 2017