Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
My favorite morning routine is to get the kids on the bus, sip some hot coffee, & notice all the stuff they forgot to put in their backpacks— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 16, 2017
Apparently my 4yo doesn’t “believe in underwear anymore.” Which chapter covers this in my parenting handbook?— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) October 14, 2017
Daddy?— flint lockwood (@tigermcleash) October 15, 2017
Can you scour the house looking EVERYWHERE for something I'm poorly describing that you've never seen or heard of before?
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from having kids it’s wait hold that thought somebody’s throwing up.— 🕸MamaFizzles🕷 (@MamaFizzles) October 17, 2017
The stages of accepting something from a toddler--— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 19, 2017
Stage 1: No, thank you.
Stage 2: No, thanks.
Stage 3: No.
Stage 4: FINE, GIVE IT TO ME!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 15, 2017
What level of hell is this?
Before you sign your kid up for sports, you should know that I sat outside in a cold rain to watch my son play soccer 3 times this weekend.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 16, 2017
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) October 20, 2017
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
My daughter wants to play “guess this song” with her recorder. I am going to need every drop of whiskey in this house.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 14, 2017
My kid's a genius because she knew what a piece of broccoli was even though we've never had any in our house.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 18, 2017
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 17, 2017
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
It’s 5:50am, & I just chased my 4y.o. to grab the tampon “torpedos” he was playing with, in case you wondered how fun pre-dawn parenting is.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 17, 2017
Grocery List— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 15, 2017
1.) Free cookie from bakery
2.) Broken jar pushed off shelf
3.) Snack to calm toddler
4.) Stop toddler from undressing
Have kids so you can fight with someone who'd rather freeze to death than pull a sweatshirt over their head.— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) October 17, 2017
*kids walking— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 17, 2017
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Y'all don't even know the level of patience required for me to allow my 3y.o. to get the small cart at the grocery store.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) October 18, 2017
I'm dressing up as parenthood for Halloween. That shit's scary.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 15, 2017
Boss: Got a minute?— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 16, 2017
Me: I'm a father of 4, school has started and one of my kids is applying for college. I can pencil you in for 2027.
Me- Sits on toilet— TheMessedNest (@themessednest) October 16, 2017
Children - QUICK EVERYONE!! Mom called a family meeting in the bathroom!! Bring in toys, blankets and your best stories
1-year-old: Cheese— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 19, 2017
Me: *gives her a cheese slice*
Me: *gives cheese stick*
Me: Oh. *pretends to take her picture*
Took my daughter to get two blazers and dress shoes for speech team competitions. I think I'm a sports parent now and I intend to get rowdy.— Mary (@AnniemuMary) October 15, 2017
“Mom, are you gonna finish this cake you bought for yourself and hid so nobody would find it?”— Court (@Discourt) October 17, 2017
There needs to be a Robin Hood like person, who steals energy from kids and gives it to their parents.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 13, 2017
Other mom: My 1-year-old knows how to baby sign.— 👻SpookyPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 18, 2017
Me: Oh wow, cool. Mine shrieks louder than a pack of monkeys.
From now on when my kids complain that a YouTube vid is taking to long to load I'm going to make them rewind whole videos in an actual VCR.— 🕷Vampire Valerie🎃 (@ValeeGrrl) October 19, 2017
Parent Tip: children get upset when they don’t get their way, but remember: cookies will help. And if you want you can give the kid one too.— Curse of The Wolfmeh (@TheAlexNevil) October 18, 2017