Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
In parenthood you're either cleaning up shit, losing your shit, or pretending to have your shit together.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) October 26, 2017
Planned a week’s worth of meals, then eliminated any with ingredients the kids don’t like.— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) October 23, 2017
Guess we’re eating butter all week. Or sugar.
I've never won anything on a game show, but a three year old at my kid's daycare just tried to give me a set of car keys.— dadpression (@Dadpression) October 23, 2017
I hope my kids grow up to be wildly happy and successful people but mostly I hope they learn to sleep past 6AM.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 22, 2017
Picking up armfuls of toys, I look up with dirty hair framing my soulless eyes.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 24, 2017
“A chore chart?” I say haggardly. “Yeah, I had one once.”
Me, Before Kids: we'll have a strict bedtime. Lights out at 7, asleep by 7:15.— Mike Reynolds (@EverydayGirlDad) October 25, 2017
Me, With Kids: what the shit is going on!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Whoever decided that the bathroom should be the smallest room in the house obviously wasn't a mother with children.— TheMotherOctopus (@MotherOctopusKJ) October 25, 2017
FACT: Toddlers are more afraid of getting shampoo in their eyes than anything you warn them about that could actually poke out an eye.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) October 20, 2017
At 430am I told my 4yo it was too early to be awake and then we laughed and laughed and then he put on a show and I cried into my coffee.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) October 23, 2017
My parenting style is "I love you and cherish you with all my heart, but get away from me with those disgusting mouth noises."— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) October 21, 2017
Right after the mom-gets-no-sleep childhood years give way the teenagers-sleep-all-day phase, you get hit with the butt-dial-mom-at-3am era.— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) October 23, 2017
Too late haunted house, the prices at the pumpkin patch already scared me.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) October 22, 2017
My wife has been at a PTA meeting for 2 hours about a Halloween party so I have three gallons of sangria ready for her when she gets home.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) October 26, 2017
My husband told me to have a good day like he doesn't realize he's leaving me home with his children.— 👻Sarcastic Mommy👻 (@sarcasticmommy4) October 25, 2017
ME: (As I freed the kids from the baby gate): "You are now free!"— Count JACQUES-ULA (@jnyemb) October 21, 2017
KIDDO: (without missing a beat): "Baby, I was born free."
ME: (Go girl)
"You're developing an expensive habit", I say to my 1yo after seeing that he has once again pulled out an entire pack of wipes one-by-one.— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) October 23, 2017
My son just asked me what a camcorder is so now I’m going to go play bocce ball with Herschel and Maury down at Shady Oaks Assisted Living.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) October 25, 2017
I hope my kids enjoy watching me carve pumpkins again this year.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 23, 2017
Dear 7AM soccer game,— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) October 21, 2017
Me: That's enough video games. Go outside and play— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) October 22, 2017
8yo: Oh, come on! I went outside YESTERDAY!!
I hope the weather is unseasonably warm on Halloween so I can use my toddler’s tantrums through open windows as our spooky soundtrack.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) October 24, 2017
Other parent: Kids—they just grow up so fast.— Molly England (@bluebonetbabies) October 24, 2017
Me: Not fast enough.
Kid: Alexa, play What Does the Fox Say again!— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 22, 2017
Parent: Alexa, do you have a setting where you can not respond to my kid's commands?