Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 2, 2017
Watched Great Pumpkin special with my son yesterday and he LOST HIS F**KING MIND FOR SNOOPY.— Lin-Manuel Miranda (@Lin_Manuel) October 30, 2017
He calls him "SNOOFY."
NO ONE CORRECT HIM EVER
Shout out to all the parents whose kids have changed their minds today about their Halloween costumes.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) October 30, 2017
Halloween never scared me until I became a parent. There is NOTHING scarier than over tired kids in costumes hopped up on sugar.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 31, 2017
LOL at the brand new, naive father that told me "Disney will never see a cent of my money."— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) October 29, 2017
My 5yo thinks the best time to ask me to spell every word in the English language is when I'm both on the phone & making dinner.— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) November 2, 2017
People who have it together enough to do family-themed costumes, what is that like?— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) October 29, 2017
When you ask someone the age of their oldest kid, you're also asking them how long it's been since they had a good night's sleep.— HowToBeADad (@HowToBeADad) November 2, 2017
4yo from the other room: I love you, Mama.— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 30, 2017
Me: Aww, I love you too!
4, angrily: No, that was my doll saying it to her mommy!
If there’s not at least 1 kid dissolving into a sobbing jellyfish after being denied a 39th piece of candy, can you even call it Halloween?— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) November 1, 2017
I don’t secretly steal my kids’ Halloween candy. I eat it right in front of them while maintaining eye contact. Total power move.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 2, 2017
I'm just a Mom, going for a walk with her kids, staying just far enough ahead of them so that people don't know they're mine.— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) October 30, 2017
These days when people tell me they're having a baby, my "congratulations" is starting to sound an awful lot like "good luck!"— Andy Herald (@AndyHerald) October 29, 2017
Me: You can be anything you want in this world.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) October 30, 2017
Also me: You picked the ghost costume for Halloween and that's what you're going to be.
If you think you can handle finding Mac n Cheese inside of your favorite shoes, then parenting is right for you.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) October 27, 2017
(Making the kids' school lunches)— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) October 29, 2017
8: We don't have school tomorrow!
Me: GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
When a child gets a bad cold that’s when parents feel completely powerless. You just know that little Petri dish is gonna get you sick too.— @TheAlexNevil (@TheAlexNevil) October 30, 2017
Spends 2 hrs refusing to sleep in soft, comfortable bed. Passes out 20 min later, sitting upright, in hard, uncomfortable carseat.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) October 30, 2017
My 1-year-old picked up her toy phone, said "Don't call," and slammed it down.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 29, 2017
She gets her people skills from me.
7: WHY is it so hard to get you to pay attention to somebody?!?!— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 2, 2017
5: I'm FIVE!
Y'all have fun getting that extra hour of sleep Sunday morning.— MumMumMommy 🤦🏻♀️ (@tinyandtired) November 2, 2017
Me, I'll be up around 4a.m. with my kid who truly dgaf about "fall back."