Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 140-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy. Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Me: OMG, will these kids just leave me alone?— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) November 8, 2017
Also me: *weeps at a commercial where kid leaves for college.
It's amazing how much of parenthood is spent eating delicious things in secret.— Tiffany Hunter (@lifeattiffanys) November 4, 2017
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of happy hour you can explain inversely proportional graphs while I clean up this slime disaster.— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 6, 2017
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.— SpacedMom (@copymama) November 7, 2017
Pretending I'm not about to have a mental breakdown when my kids "help" me cook is the hardest thing I've had to do as a mom.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 7, 2017
Friend: What's it like to have kids?— Ramblin' Mama (@ramblinma) November 6, 2017
Me: [sings Wheels on the Bus on repeat, replacing all the words with "butt"]
You know you're truly a parent when you are required to show the pictures in the book you are reading to the stuffed animals in the room.— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 7, 2017
Hi hello how’s your Saturday morning okay I’ll go first: we made it halfway to school before my kid asked why he had to go an extra day.— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) November 4, 2017
The longest song in the world is the Happy Birthday song to a toddler who is ready to help blow out some candles.— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) November 6, 2017
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.— Danielle and Farrah (@effinghandbook) November 6, 2017
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) November 9, 2017
I call my sons' bathroom "the hotel" because after they use a towel once, they just throw it on the floor.— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) November 7, 2017
My son is having a hard time getting over the fact we’re not naming his new baby sister Megatron.— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) November 6, 2017
Buy your kids a room full of toys so they can play with 3 Legos, a kazoo party favor, a marker & 1,400 pieces of ripped construction paper.— Walking For 140 (@WalkingOutside) November 6, 2017
Welcome to parenthood.— MotherPlaylist (@MotherPlaylist) November 8, 2017
Earplugs, get some cause it’s loud af.
My kids ask me what's for dinner as if I have any clue.— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) November 7, 2017
In case you were wondering, it takes approximately 8,000 hours for six 5-7 year olds to bowl an entire game.— here comes the son (@idtweetforever) November 7, 2017
Son said he really wants to see “murder on the polar express,” and shit now so do I.— John Ross Bowie (@JohnRossBowie) November 6, 2017
At what point should you worry about your drinking?— Northern Lights 🦖 (@PinkCamoTO) November 6, 2017
I bet it's before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
We have the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, and Santa, but no one thought up a fictional character to keep kids in bed during time changes?— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) November 5, 2017
Overheard my 4 y.o. talking to my mother-in-law - "and mommy was the last to wake up and she woke up naked."— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) November 7, 2017