Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week, we round up the most hilarious 280-character quips from moms and dads to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!
Everything I Own Has Been Peed On: A Parenting Memoir— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) January 24, 2018
The recipe for disaster:— Mommy Cusses (@mommy_cusses) January 23, 2018
1) Have kids
Kids may dance like nobody's watching, but they also pick their nose like nobody's watching. So we'll call it a draw.— Chris Cate (@ParentNormal) January 25, 2018
You're going to miss this, I whisper to myself as I'm shot in the butt with a nerf gun while unclogging the toilet.— Karen Johnson (@21stcenturysahm) January 26, 2018
In the beginning your baby cries and you’re like I wish you could tell me what’s wrong but then they learn to talk and you’re like I wish you’d just go back to crying.— OneFunnyMummy (@OneFunnyMummy) January 22, 2018
It's always creepy when a three year old tells you "goodbye," when you weren't planning on going anywhere.— dadpression (@Dadpression) January 21, 2018
That moment when you finally get your kids to sleep and you have 8 million things to do so you climb into bed and do none of it.— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 23, 2018
One day you're welcoming your child into the world, and the next day they're leaving unflushed turds in your toilet.— Real American Dadass (@R_A_Dadass) January 23, 2018
You could get a white noise machine, or you can have kids.— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) January 24, 2018
I'm sorry for the things I said while I was trying to get the kids to school on time.— Tara Brown (@Faux_Ma) January 23, 2018
Giving your kids crackers is a lot like putting wood in a chipper shredder.— No Idea: Daddy Blog (@byclintedwards) January 23, 2018
Me: What are you smiling about?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) January 24, 2018
2-year-old: I POOPED.
It's important to celebrate good work.
“This Is Your Life.” But it’s just food wrappers around my kids’ car seats and Facebook reminders.— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) January 23, 2018
Husband: What's for dinner?— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) January 23, 2018
Me: Ah, we have two very fine options this evening! You may have Whatever The Kids Didn't Eat, or, the more appetizing, Something You Make For Yourself.
We could live INSIDE THE SCHOOL BUS and my son would still find a way to make us late for it every day.— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) January 22, 2018
Just told my toddler who was trying to sleep with her plastic toy phone "we don't take our phones to bed", and I hope she can't yet spot a massive liar.— Walking Outside (@WalkingOutside) January 23, 2018
If you need proof my sons are in fact my sons: During dinner they told me they were full then continued to eat bread.— The Daddy Complex (@thedaddycomplex) January 23, 2018
Aromatherapy don't work on kids. I'm over here bathing them in lavender chamomile, half asleep and they're over here splashing, as hyper as ever.— Jacques Be Nimble (@jnyemb) January 22, 2018
My kid has been trying to zip his own jacket for 6 days.— AsKateWouldHaveIt (@KateWouldHaveIt) January 21, 2018
Electric toothbrushes: Because my kids found it hard to get toothpaste on the ceiling with regular ones.— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 23, 2018
If they ever did an olympic event for kids who put empty cereal boxes back in the cupboard, my kids would take gold.— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 23, 2018